Getting the Sex You Want

1. The Imago Dialogue: Your Foundation for Erotic Communication

Learning ways to communicate about sex can help you become a better lover; you will bring more skills to your relationship.

Communication is key. Many couples struggle to discuss their sexual needs and desires, leading to a mundane erotic life and potential relationship breakdown. The Imago dialogue, a structured communication method, provides a safe space to explore fantasies, fears, and erotic needs, fostering deeper intimacy and connection. This technique, adapted from Harville Hendrix's "Getting the Love You Want," helps partners feel truly seen and heard.

Dialogue vs. Conversation. Unlike typical conversations where we often prepare rebuttals, Imago dialogue requires active, present listening. The process involves a "sender" who expresses thoughts and a "receiver" who mirrors back exactly what is heard, without judgment or interruption. This ensures clarity and prevents misunderstandings, which are common in emotionally charged discussions about sex.

Start with appreciation. To create safety and openness, every Imago dialogue begins with an appreciation for your partner. This positive feedback softens the interaction, making both partners more receptive to sharing vulnerable information. Mirroring, validating (making sense of their experience), and empathizing (imagining their feelings) are the core steps that build trust and allow for honest sexual communication.

2. Cultivate Sexual Empathy for Deeper Connection

Sexual empathy means feeling connected to your partner so that you can share your fantasies.

Empathy is power. The partner with the most sexual empathy holds significant power in the relationship, as they are perceived as open and understanding, regardless of the topic. This creates a safe environment where erotic energy can be channeled into the relationship, rather than being split off or sought elsewhere, leading to increased loving feelings and improved communication.

Overcoming reactivity. When a partner shares a fantasy, a low-empathy response might involve sarcasm or dismissal, causing the sender to feel misunderstood and shut down. Imago dialogue helps bypass this "reactivity" by providing a structured way to listen without immediate judgment. Mirroring, validating, and empathizing allow time to process the information and respond with care, even if you don't immediately agree to act on the fantasy.

Building trust. A sexually empathic response means simply mirroring what your partner says, giving you time to think before reacting. This makes your partner feel vulnerable yet safe, fostering trust. This ongoing trust is crucial for a new type of erotic connection to emerge, where both partners feel secure enough to experiment and take risks in their sexual expression.

3. Embrace "Practiced Spontaneity" to Rekindle Passion

Ironically, spontaneity can be part of our relationship if we focus on a plan to put it there.

Familiarity's paradox. While long-term relationships offer safety and security, they can inadvertently lead to a mundane erotic life. The excitement of "forbidden" or risky sex often fades with familiarity. To combat this, couples can introduce "practiced spontaneity" – intentionally planning for unexpected, thrilling sexual experiences to reignite passion.

Reintroducing risk. One way to add erotic risk is through phone sex. The distance and lack of eye contact can make it easier to share racier language and fantasies, building anticipation for when you're together. This "safe" risk-taking helps partners practice expressing desires, making in-person conversations about sex less daunting.

"Being bad" is good. Exploring "naughty" or "bad" fantasies within the safety of a committed relationship allows partners to express repressed desires. This can involve recalling early, risky sexual experiences or imagining new ones. Sharing these desires, even if not acted upon, can be incredibly stimulating and remind couples of the intense passion they felt when first falling in love.

4. Explore Your Erotic Curiosity: From Fantasy to Action

What you think about in the privacy of your mind is your own personal, fantastic movie theater on the screen of your imagination.

The Erotic Curiosity Spectrum. Everyone possesses an erotic imagination, ranging from fleeting curiosities to vivid fantasies and desires for action. This spectrum helps individuals understand their own sexual landscape. Exploring these internal thoughts and sharing them with a partner, using the Imago dialogue, can intensify sexual desires and clarify which fantasies to keep in the imagination versus those to bring into reality.

Fantasies as psychological edges. Fantasies often stem from our anxieties and fears, representing our "psychological edge" – the boundary of our comfort zone. By fantasizing about things that cause stress (e.g., being trapped, abandonment), we seek mastery over these fears, turning something scary into something arousing. This process can be healing, as seen in cases where acting out a controlled "trapping" fantasy reduced real-life claustrophobia.

Consequences and commitment. While acting out fantasies can be thrilling, it's crucial to consider the consequences, especially for complex fantasies like threesomes. Clear communication about whether a fantasy is for sharing only or for action is vital. Committing to focus on one fantasy for a finite period, perhaps through a "sexual contract," can provide a shared goal and a catalyst for growth, bringing focus and erotic energy to the relationship.

5. Practice Sensual Generosity for Mutual Fulfillment

Sensual generosity is the desire to give sexually for the pleasure of giving.

Giving begets receiving. Sensual generosity means giving sexually for the sheer pleasure of giving, without expectation of immediate reciprocation. This advanced skill channels more sexual energy into the relationship, as the more one gives, the more responsive the partner becomes, ultimately leading to greater personal fulfillment and receiving what one desires.

Beyond "not in the mood." Even when not in the mood for full intercourse, sensual generosity can involve acts like giving a massage, manual stimulation, or mutual masturbation. These acts maintain connection and can be deeply satisfying. Mutual masturbation, in particular, serves as a powerful teaching tool, allowing partners to observe and learn what brings the other to orgasm, enhancing future intimacy.

Creating rituals and sharing. Rituals around lovemaking, such as lighting candles, giving massages, or setting a sensual atmosphere, elevate sex from a chore to a mindful "occasion." Eye-gazing, a nonverbal intimacy exercise, deepens connection by coordinating breathing and welcoming the partner into one's intimate space. These acts of generosity foster a profound bond, making partners feel cherished and understood.

6. Master Your Sexual Anatomy and Arousal Map

Each woman will have her own wealth of knowledge regarding her body and what she needs to orgasm.

Knowledge is power. Many adults lack comprehensive knowledge of their own and their partner's sexual anatomy, leading to confusion and dissatisfaction. Understanding the unique "arousal map" of each body – where sensitivity lies and what types of touch are most effective – is crucial for maximizing pleasure and connection. This knowledge empowers individuals to communicate their needs clearly.

Female anatomy and arousal. Women's genitals, often a mystery even to themselves, include the highly sensitive clitoris (with internal roots extending up to five inches), the G-spot (an area inside the vagina that swells and can trigger intense, sometimes fluid-emitting orgasms), and the perineum. Women typically have multiple arousal plateaus, requiring longer foreplay and varied stimulation (e.g., "Clitoral Clock" exercise) to reach orgasm, which can last up to twenty seconds.

Male anatomy and arousal. Men's primary pleasure centers are the glans (head) and shaft of the penis, and the sensitive scrotum. The prostate gland ("P-spot"), located internally via the anus or externally via the perineum, is highly sensitive and can cause intense orgasms when stimulated. Men generally have a single, quicker arousal peak, often leading to a rapid descent after orgasm. Exercises like "The Penis as a Work of Art" and "Prostate Massage" help partners explore and communicate specific preferences.

7. Overcome Barriers: Shame, Body Image, and Resentment

Shame contributes to the splitting off of sexuality and erotic needs. Appreciation can go a long way to helping your partner heal from shame.

Shame's isolating effect. Shame, often rooted in religious, cultural, or familial messages, is a significant barrier to open sexual expression. It causes individuals to hide their deepest desires, leading to a "splitting off" of erotic needs into unhealthy outlets like pornography or affairs. Overcoming shame requires a safe environment where partners can share vulnerabilities without judgment, fostered by the Imago dialogue and consistent appreciation.

Body image struggles. Both men and women grapple with body image issues that impact sexual confidence. Women often feel pressure to conform to unrealistic beauty standards, leading to discomfort naked. Men worry about penis size and muscularity, linking self-worth to performance. These insecurities can hinder full presence during sex. Openly sharing these fears with a partner, and receiving genuine appreciation, helps build self-acceptance and makes sex more fulfilling.

Resentment's sabotage. Scorekeeping in a relationship, whether about chores or sexual initiation, can breed resentment that sabotages sensual generosity. When anger or frustration is unaddressed, it can lead to passive-aggressive behaviors like withholding sex. Exercises like "Locking Up Resentment" encourage partners to acknowledge and temporarily set aside grievances, allowing for a renewed focus on appreciation and connection, which can then open the door to sexual intimacy.

8. Channel Conflict and Anger into Erotic Energy

If there is anger in a relationship, there is energy. It means that the relationship is alive and awake.

Anger as energy. Rather than avoiding anger, couples can learn to channel its inherent energy into their sexual relationship. Anger, when expressed constructively and non-violently, signifies that a relationship is "alive and awake." This approach challenges the common adage "never go to bed angry," suggesting that sometimes, engaging sexually despite anger can lead to deeper connection and resolution.

Chemical romance of conflict. When angry, the body releases adrenaline, signaling conflict. However, sex releases oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin – "love hormones" that promote calmness and attachment. Engaging in sex during or after conflict can leverage these chemicals to foster long-term satisfaction and attraction, effectively transforming negative energy into positive bonding.

Maximizers and minimizers. Couples often fall into patterns of conflict: "maximizers" dramatize feelings to test the bond, while "minimizers" withdraw to avoid confrontation. Understanding these styles is crucial. Maximizers need reassurance and to feel heard, while minimizers need space and safety to express anger. Breaking these reactive patterns, even by just a few moments of intentional, contained response, can shift the dynamic and open pathways for intimacy, including sexual connection.

9. Prioritize Sex: Make it a Sacred Ritual

Work means scheduling, making sex a priority, and doing it even if you don’t feel like it.

Sex as a priority. In long-term relationships, especially with children and career demands, sex often falls to the bottom of the priority list. However, making sex a conscious priority, through "sex dates" or other rituals, is crucial for maintaining vitality and connection. This commitment signals to your partner that the erotic aspect of your relationship is valued and essential.

Anticipation is aphrodisiac. Scheduling sex dates, even if they initially feel unspontaneous, allows for anticipation to build. Like dating, knowing a sexual encounter is planned creates mental and emotional space for fantasy and preparation. This lead time is particularly beneficial for women, whose arousal often builds slowly over days, enhancing the intensity and pleasure of the actual encounter.

Creating sacred space. Rituals transform sex from a routine act into a mindful, sensual experience. This involves setting the mood with candles, music, scents, and comfortable surroundings. Giving a full-body sensual massage, without expectation of reciprocation, is an act of generosity that deepens connection. These intentional efforts honor the sexual relationship, making it a sacred space for play and intimacy.

10. Understand and Appreciate Gender Differences in Desire

Because we don’t always understand the differences between the sexes, there can be a lack of understanding in couples and a gap in sexual communication.

Diverse arousal patterns. Men and women often have different emotional, physical, and erotic needs, leading to communication gaps if not understood. While both sexes are aroused by visual, tactile, auditory, and cognitive stimuli, their responses differ. Men typically have one quick arousal peak, while women experience multiple, longer plateaus, requiring more sustained foreplay and emotional connection.

Men's core needs. Men often prioritize physical connection, finding emotional security through sex. They value generosity from their partners, feeling successful and turned on when they can bring a woman to orgasm. Appreciation for their actions and accomplishments is also crucial, as is a clear, action-oriented approach to love. Understanding their "love language" (sex, praise, acts of service, gifts, time) helps women connect more effectively.

Women's core needs. Women generally require physical affection and emotional reminders of love and safety to relax into eroticism. Their "long lead time" for arousal means foreplay can start days before a sexual encounter. Permission to let go and surrender, especially if past experiences or shame create blocks, is vital for orgasm. Like men, women also have diverse "love languages" that, when understood and met, deepen their sense of being cherished.

Last updated: January 2, 2026