It's Not Me, It's You

1. Shatter the "Happily Ever After" Myth

The nightmare isn’t produced by kids or houses or corner offices or marriage. It doesn’t matter what type of blueprint you’re tracing. The nightmare is produced by what’s underneath the painting.

The American Nightmare. Society, movies, and even our parents often paint a picture of "happily ever after" – finding "the one," getting married, having kids, and living in perfect bliss. This idealized blueprint, however, is a fantasy that sets us up for disappointment and prevents us from doing the real work required for healthy relationships. Many people end up in therapy, not because they followed or rejected traditional paths, but because they were never taught how to navigate relationship dynamics.

"The One" is a sickness. Holding onto the idea of a single perfect person can act as an "escape hatch" whenever discomfort arises in a relationship. Instead of working through challenges, this belief encourages nitpicking, entitlement, and the constant question of whether someone better is "out there." This ambivalence—whether subtle or obvious—prevents true learning and evolution, creating distrust and unsafety that ultimately damages the relationship.

Love is a daily choice. Relationships are not about finding a perfect person who completes you; they are about conscious, consistent effort. Love is a daily choice to be emotionally responsible to someone, an action that requires depth, not just width or fleeting "easy" feelings. True, sustainable love begins when the initial infatuation fades and the hard work of understanding, accepting, and growing together truly begins.

2. Unmask "Chemistry" as Potential Dysfunction

Sometimes chemistry isn’t what we think it is.

The "sticky" attraction. That intense, undeniable "lightning in a bottle" feeling often mistaken for true chemistry can actually be a red flag. This "sticky" attraction may stem from what Freud called "repetition compulsion"—an unconscious drive to reenact early traumas or familiar dysfunctional patterns from our past, hoping to finally master or heal them. This means we are often drawn to people who feel familiar, even if that familiarity is rooted in unhealthy dynamics.

Predator-prey dynamics. An extreme example of this is the unconscious attraction between a "prey" (someone who grew up with boundaries violated, seeking acceptance) and a "predator" (someone with low emotional intelligence, impulsivity, and aggression, often from an unstable home). Their attraction is instinctive, animalistic, and deeply unconscious, creating a deliciously dysfunctional relationship cycle. Without healing and self-awareness, these patterns repeat, leading to heartbreak and stunted growth.

Question the attraction. Breaking this cycle requires questioning the source of intense attraction. Is it genuine chemistry, or is it the residue of past wounds and unhealed narratives? Recognizing that "your soulmate" might be the person who challenges you and changes your reality, rather than the idealized fantasy, is crucial. This awareness allows us to choose consciously, rather than being blindly pulled by unconscious drives that lead to repeating the same unhealthy relationships.

3. Embrace Differences: Find Beauty in the Contrast

The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image.

Differences are inevitable. As relationships deepen, partners inevitably discover countless differences—from daily habits like making the bed to deeper aspects like love languages, spiritual beliefs, or financial philosophies. Obsessing over these contrasts, as John initially did with Vanessa, can create disconnection and doubt, leading one to question the relationship's viability. This focus on "what's wrong" overshadows the healthy and positive aspects.

Beyond the checklist. Instead of resisting or trying to change these differences, the practice is to accept them fully and find beauty in the contrast. By shifting focus from comparing a partner to an idealized image or past relationships, one can begin to see the "spirit" of the whole person, appreciating their unique qualities. This acceptance allows for letting go of expectations, fostering presence, and building trust, creating a new, richer love experience.

Red flags vs. preferences. It's vital to distinguish between non-negotiable red flags (e.g., abuse, fundamental value clashes like wanting children) and mere preferences (e.g., taste in movies, tidiness). While non-negotiables should be respected, allowing preferences to become deal-breakers often stems from fear, not genuine incompatibility. Creating a "Non-Negotiables versus Preferences" list helps clarify what truly matters, enabling partners to celebrate their complementary strengths rather than being divided by minor differences.

4. Swim Past the Breakers: Love Begins When It Gets Hard

The truth is, love doesn’t actually start until things get hard.

Turbulence is normal. Just as ocean breakers are turbulent waves crashing on the shore, relationships have "breakers"—moments when things get hard, reality hits, and resistance emerges. These aren't signs of a bad relationship, but rather opportunities for growth. The easy part of a relationship (lust, infatuation, honeymoon phase) is not love; it's hope. Love truly begins after navigating these challenging periods.

Common breakers include:

• Sticky relationship dynamics: Unhealthy, unconscious attempts to repair old wounds.
• The contrast: All the differences that make us question compatibility.
• Little things that bother us: Daily annoyances that accumulate.
• Emotional triggers: Strong reactions tied to past hurts, activating fight-or-flight.

Growth through discomfort. Many people "drown" in the breakers by leaving, sabotaging, or checking out. However, swimming past them—leaning into discomfort, understanding triggers, and reconditioning our bodies to new, healthier dynamics—leads to calm and peace. This process builds emotional resilience and a deeper connection with oneself and the partner. As John's client Remy learned, sometimes "calm" itself can be a breaker if one is accustomed to chaos.

5. Heal Your Past to Love in the Present

Just because you’re not thinking about your ex all the time doesn’t mean you’re not carrying some kind of residue from that love experience.

Past stains the present. Unresolved past love experiences, including childhood dynamics and previous relationships, leave "residue" that unconsciously impacts current relationships. This residue manifests as old relationship "dances," distorted "love blueprints," lingering anger and resentment, and false beliefs about oneself. These unexamined patterns create cracks, preventing new relationships from truly thriving.

Breaking old patterns. To love without the past, one must consciously work to dissolve this residue. This involves:

• Recognizing old dances: Avoiding the replication of past relationship dynamics.
• Tearing up old blueprints: Challenging distorted definitions of love and "shoulds."
• Processing anger and resentment: Healing past hurts to prevent overreactions and distrust.
• Dispelling false beliefs: Confronting narratives like "I am defective" or "I am a victim," which limit self-worth and growth.

Curiosity, acceptance, gratitude. John's personal journey involved consciously breaking his pattern of comparing relationships to his past marriage. He practiced curiosity, acceptance, and gratitude daily, which allowed him to appreciate Vanessa for who she was, not who he expected her to be. This shift in perspective not only transformed his relationship but also reconditioned his body to experience a new, healthier form of love.

6. Master the Art of Communication

The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.

Communication is a craft. Effective communication is the protein of any relationship, yet most people lack the tools, relying instead on reactive emotions, talking over each other, or blaming. It's a skill that requires education, effort, and consistent practice, much like Olympic weightlifting where small, precise adjustments yield significant results.

Three "fast elbows" for communication:

1. Understand before being understood: Prioritize creating a safe space by truly listening to your partner's perspective and heart, rather than preparing a defense. This reconditions the body to not panic during confrontation, especially if one grew up in a defensive or avoidant household.
2. Read subtext: Recognize that only 3% of communication is content; 97% is subtext, tone, and body language. Understanding the underlying feelings and unspoken needs, rather than just the literal words, is crucial for genuine connection. This helps depersonalize initial reactions and fosters empathy.
3. Responsible disclosure: Healthy communication lies between "verbal vomiting" (over-sharing without responsibility) and "sweeping it under the rug" (not communicating at all). Disclosure requires considering the impact on the other person and having a clear intention, rather than using it to offload anxiety or manipulate.

Apologizing for reals. A true apology involves more than just saying "I'm sorry"; it requires genuine ownership of one's part in causing hurt, without immediately following with "but." This act of taking responsibility lowers defenses, fosters trust, and encourages the other person to reciprocate. An apology, followed by a commitment to action, lays new tracks in the relationship, preventing fights from escalating and promoting growth.

7. Navigate Attachment Styles for Deeper Connection

Avoidants activate the anxious, who activate avoidants.

Understanding attachment. Attachment styles, developed in childhood based on caregiver responses, influence how we seek connection and safety in adult relationships. The spectrum includes anxious (fixated, needy, seeks constant validation), avoidant (struggles with intimacy, withdraws when overwhelmed), and secure (balanced, open to support and providing it). Often, anxious and avoidant individuals are unconsciously drawn to each other, creating a push-pull dynamic where they activate each other's deepest fears.

The anxious-avoidant dance. When an anxious person seeks more connection and reassurance, an avoidant person may feel suffocated and withdraw further. Conversely, an avoidant's distance can intensify an anxious person's neediness. This dynamic, while challenging, can also be a profound opportunity for healing. John, leaning anxious, learned to create a safe space for Vanessa, who leans avoidant, by respecting her need for autonomy rather than demanding reassurance.

Cultivating secure attachment. Becoming more securely attached involves self-awareness, understanding one's triggers, and consciously choosing different responses. For the avoidant, this means leaning into vulnerability and expressing needs; for the anxious, it means practicing self-soothing and respecting a partner's need for space. This process, though uncomfortable, reconditions the nervous system to register calm as healthy, fostering trust and allowing both partners to grow towards a more secure and fulfilling connection.

8. Break the Over/Underfunctioning Cycle

There is no greater libido killer than feeling like your partner is your child or your parent.

Anxiety-driven roles. Overfunctioning and underfunctioning are behavioral responses to anxiety, reflecting a struggle with communicating needs and a fear of vulnerability. Overfunctioners manage, control, and do too much to soothe their own anxieties about things not being "right" or out of control. Underfunctioners step back, avoid tasks, and appear less competent, often due to feelings of inadequacy or a deep-seated belief that they "can't."

The seesaw effect. These two types are often unconsciously drawn to each other, creating a dynamic where one's overfunctioning enables the other's underfunctioning, and vice versa. This allows both to stay in their comfort zones, reinforcing old patterns. For example, John's underfunctioning (not making his bed, asking permission for cereal) cemented a mother-child dynamic with his ex-wife, while Vanessa's overfunctioning (caretaking, overplanning) stems from a childhood need to be helpful and needed.

Reclaiming adult partnership. This parental dynamic is a "libido killer" because humans are biologically wired not to mate with parents or children. Breaking this cycle requires both partners to challenge their ingrained behaviors. Overfunctioners must learn to sit with discomfort and allow others to take responsibility, while underfunctioners must build self-esteem and step up, taking ownership of areas they've avoided. This shift allows for a balanced partnership where both feel capable, respected, and mutually supportive.

9. Redefine Love Beyond Codependency

If you’re good, I’m good. If you’re not good, I’m not good.

The codependent trap. Codependency is defined by one's emotional state and sense of self-worth being tied to someone else's emotional state. It stems from a deep-rooted fear of abandonment, rejection, and shame, often developed in childhood through experiences like emotional dismissal or caretaking. The book "The Giving Tree" is critiqued as a blueprint for codependency, where one gives endlessly without reciprocity, becoming a "sad and lonely stump."

Symptoms and manifestations. Codependent behaviors are widespread and can manifest in various ways: people-pleasing, difficulty expressing needs, overfunctioning, resentment, and a deep struggle with authenticity. Vanessa's journey highlights how her codependency led her to hide alcohol from an ex and later to overfunction in her relationship with John, constantly feeling the need to "do it all" and struggling to articulate her own needs.

Moving to interdependence. Recovery from codependency involves a long journey of self-understanding and challenging ingrained behaviors. It means taking "baby steps" into uncomfortable feelings, practicing self-care and boundaries, and learning to express needs regardless of the fear of rejection. The goal is interdependence, where both partners prioritize their own well-being, feel safe to express themselves, and understand that no single partner can meet all of their needs, fostering a more authentic and fulfilling connection.

10. Fan the Flames: Intimacy Beyond Performance

When’s the last time you got so lost in a kiss that you forgot what day it was?

Conditioned desires. Sexual intimacy is complex, often shaped by societal conditioning. Men, like John, may be influenced by porn and locker-room talk, equating sex with aggression, performance, and validation. Women, like Vanessa, are often taught performative sex, prioritizing their partner's pleasure and suppressing their own desires to avoid judgment or manage the relationship. This leads to inauthentic experiences and a disconnect from genuine erotic connection.

Understanding desire types. Recognizing different types of sexual desire—spontaneous (instant desire), responsive (desire in response to stimulation), and contextual (desire impacted by circumstances)—can depersonalize differences in sex drive. John experiences spontaneous desire, while Vanessa is responsive and contextual. This understanding helps partners avoid taking a lack of initiation personally and fosters empathy for each other's unique wiring.

The Six-Second Kiss. Intimacy extends beyond the bedroom. Genuine connection, curiosity, and appreciation outside of sex can be more stimulating than physical acts alone. The "Six-Second Kiss" practice, recommended by John Gottman, encourages mindfulness and presence in physical affection. It's a deliberate act to rediscover the meaning behind kissing—to express, connect, validate, and explore—and serves as a radar for underlying hurt or resentment, bringing it to the surface for resolution.

11. Confront Jealousy and Money: Unpack Deeper Fears

Jealousy, like all emotions, is a flag telling you to pay attention to something deeper.

Jealousy is human. It's normal to find other people attractive; it doesn't diminish love for a partner. Denying this human reality creates anxiety, control, and insecurity, leading to unhealthy behaviors like checking phones or dictating appearance. Acceptance of this fact is the first step. When a partner feels safe enough to express attraction to others, it builds trust and allows for deeper truths to be shared, creating "superglue" in the relationship.

Money is a mirror. Money is a top conflict area, but fights are rarely about the money itself. Instead, they reflect deeper issues: security, safety, self-worth, upbringing, and power dynamics. John's past struggles with under-earning led to feelings of inadequacy and a mother-child dynamic with his ex-wife. Vanessa's anxiety about financial security, stemming from a childhood without much money, tied her worth to her income and fueled a "mine and yours" mentality.

Unpacking the underlying fears. Both jealousy and money issues are flags for deeper fears. Jealousy often masks fears of inadequacy, abandonment, or not being "enough." Money conflicts often reveal fears of destitution, lack of control, or not being able to provide. Addressing these underlying fears through honest self-inquiry and open communication, rather than blaming or controlling, allows partners to build trust, challenge false beliefs, and create a more secure and interdependent foundation.

12. Choose Love Daily: Embrace the Ebb and Flow

The choice to love is not a feeling—it is an action.

Love is not a constant feeling. It's a damaging misconception that love and attraction should always be felt intensely. Relationships naturally experience periods of "not feeling it anymore," drift, and doubt. This ebb and flow is normal, stemming from individual inner journeys, external pressures, and the inherent human wiring for curiosity and evolution. It doesn't necessarily mean the relationship has died or that one is with the "wrong" person.

The power of conscious choice. The difference between a healthy and unhealthy relationship lies in how these periods of distance are managed. In unhealthy relationships, people drift too far to return. In healthy ones, partners remain aware, respect each other's internal processes, and continue to "hold hands" and "check in." This conscious choice to love, even when it's difficult, acts as a "love rubber band" that snaps them back together, deepening the bond.

Building a sustainable partnership. A conscious relationship is a daily commitment to growth, self-understanding, and mutual support. It means choosing love as an action, not just a feeling, even when it requires challenging old patterns, dissolving ego, and facing uncomfortable truths. This journey, though turbulent, produces trust, inner growth, and the opportunity to hit "higher notes" in life that could never be achieved alone, creating a meaningful and resilient partnership built on courage and transparency.

Last updated: December 30, 2025