Like A Rock

1. Character is Your True Self and Ultimate Legacy

Your character is who you truly are. It will affect how much you accomplish in this life. It will determine whether or not you are worth knowing. It will make or break every one of your relationships.

The unseen foundation. Character is the internal script that dictates your responses to life's triumphs and trials, far more impactful than talent, education, or connections. It's the unseen force that determines what happens after opportunities open, influencing everything from marital longevity to parental relationships. Like the Aberfan slag heap, what appears solid can collapse if its foundation is unsound.

Legacy, not acquisitions. Many people fail to plan for character, leading to personal catastrophes that "take them by surprise." Yet, your character, not your accomplishments or acquisitions, ultimately defines your legacy. Richard Nixon, Pete Rose, Leona Helmsley—talented and successful, but their character determined how they are remembered.

A lifelong essay. Character isn't built overnight; it's an essay written over a lifetime, section by section, day by day. Every choice moves you closer to or farther from the person you aspire to be. While you don't choose your starting point, you bear the responsibility and opportunity to choose your ending place, because character is about what you are becoming.

2. Define Your Character Goals by Envisioning Your Legacy

If you carefully consider what you wanted to be said of you in the funeral experience, you will find your definition of success.

The funeral exercise. To truly understand your definition of success, imagine your own funeral three years from now. What would you want your spouse, children, best friend, a casual acquaintance, and a community member to say about you? This exercise reveals your deepest values, often centering on who you are rather than what you achieved.

Setting character goals. Translate these desired reflections into specific character goals. For instance, if you want your child to say, "My mom always listened to me," your goal is "I will become a good listener." These goals should be:

• Universal: Not tied to a specific person (e.g., "dependable" rather than "dependable friend").
• Controllable: Focused on your actions, not others' responses (e.g., "put my spouse's needs first" rather than "be appreciated by my spouse").
• Internal: Prioritizing character over external achievements.

Motivation through "why." Once you have your character goals, ask "why" for each. Why be honest? Why be sensitive? Understanding the underlying principles (e.g., "sensitivity paves the way to influence") infuses emotion and passion into your pursuit. This "why" becomes your motivation, aligning your agenda with what truly matters and enabling you to work intentionally with God's transformative process.

3. True Character is Absolute, Rooted in God's Will, Regardless of Cost

Character is the will to do what is right as defined by God, regardless of personal cost.

A fixed standard. Unlike the world's "moving target" definition of character, biblical character is absolute and unwavering, rooted in the very nature of God. It's not about being "friendly" or "standing up for beliefs" if those beliefs are flawed. It's a standard that exists independently of human emotions, experiences, or desires, serving as a judge to which we are accountable.

The Hubble analogy. Just as the Hubble Space Telescope's mission was compromised by a microscopic flaw in its main mirror, our lives can be derailed by a flawed definition of character. Society's moral relativism, exemplified by films like "Do the Right Thing" or the proliferation of rules in government when character erodes, leads to chaos because it lacks an accurate moral compass.

Two essential ingredients. This definition hinges on two tenets:

• Absolute Right and Wrong: Acknowledging a universal, constant standard defined by God.
• Unwavering Will: A commitment to do what is right, even when it demands personal sacrifice or goes against popular opinion.
  This commitment, often unpopular in a relativistic world, is the cornerstone of true character, providing a rock-solid foundation against life's storms.

4. Character is the Lubricant for All Relationships

Without character, the parts will soon destroy one another.

The engine of relationships. Imagine a car engine without oil; its precisely fitted parts would quickly grind themselves to destruction. Similarly, character acts as the essential lubricant for all human relationships—marriages, families, friendships, workplaces, and communities. Without it, the friction of differences inevitably leads to wear, tear, and breakdown.

Proximity and conflict. The closer relationships are, the greater the potential for conflict and pain. This often leads to self-protective behaviors like emotional withdrawal or superficial interactions. However, avoiding conflict by removing ourselves from relationships (e.g., divorce, job changes) only creates bigger problems, like removing vital parts from a machine.

Four vital connections. Your character directly impacts four key relationships:

• With God: Compromising character creates guilt and distance, hindering intimacy.
• With Self: Character deficits lead to lowered self-esteem and self-blame, making it hard to accept yourself.
• With Others: Unmet expectations and self-centeredness fuel conflict; character means doing right even when wronged.
• With Community: Collective character determines a community's functionality; godly character fosters harmony and prevents societal decay.

5. Societal and Personal Erosion Occurs When Moral Absolutes are Abandoned

When our nation gave up on moral absolutes, it lost its conscience.

America's moral drift. America, once founded on biblical principles by leaders like Patrick Henry and John Jay, has drifted into moral relativism. The shift from a "character ethic" (honesty, integrity) to a "personality ethic" (achievement, performance) has redefined success and morality. This erosion is evident in societal decay:

• Increased teenage pregnancies, STDs, premarital sex.
• Soaring divorce rates and violent crime.
• A judicial system that prioritizes opinion over constitutional precedent, leading to the removal of prayer and Bible reading from schools.

Israel's historical lesson. The nation of Israel provides a historical parallel, repeatedly experiencing blessings for obedience to God's absolute laws and curses for disobedience. This "sowing and reaping" principle applies to both nations and individuals, demonstrating that God's timing for judgment may vary, but consequences are inevitable.

The subtle ant lion trap. This erosion is often subtle, like an ant lion's trap. Daily propaganda from media and advertising subtly twists beliefs, telling us our worth is tied to appearance or possessions. Small compromises, justified by "I can handle it" or "nobody will know," gradually numb the conscience, leading to a "hard heart" and a sincere movement in the wrong direction.

6. God's Primary Work in You is Internal Transformation (Renewal)

While we’re frantically looking for God on the outside, we can always find Him on the inside. That’s where He is hard at work.

The inner beacon. In life's turbulence, when circumstances cloud our vision and God seems distant, a beacon calls from within: the signal of integrity, God's still, small voice urging us toward character. We often look for God in external circumstances (sickness, financial ruin), but His primary focus is on the unseen, working inside us.

Beyond dualism. Many Christians fall into dualism, separating life into "religious" and "secular" categories, effectively locking God out of parts of their lives. This prevents them from understanding His work and leads to a perception of God as distant or uncaring. However, God is a "consummate investor," focusing His efforts on our eternal inner person, not just temporary external circumstances.

God's relentless agenda. Philippians 2:12-13 reveals God is "at work in you both to will and to work for His good pleasure." This work is constant, even when we're unaware or struggling. His ultimate goal is to conform us to the image of His Son, Jesus Christ. Embracing this internal paradigm shifts our focus from blaming God for external problems to cooperating with His transformative work within.

7. Overcome a Hard Heart by Saying an Unqualified "Yes" to God's Truth

The degree of your hard-heartedness is equal to the disparity between what grieves you and what grieves God.

The calloused conscience. A "hard heart" isn't necessarily mean; it's a heart that has become insensitive to God's voice due to "overexposure and underresponse to truth." Repeatedly saying "no" to God in one area can dull our discernment in all others, much like calluses on hands lose sensitivity. This leads to subconsciously tweaking God's standards to fit our lifestyles, a form of idolatry.

Checking your heart's condition. To assess hard-heartedness, ask: "Am I grieved by the same things that grieve God?" If scenes that would break God's heart (e.g., sin in entertainment) elicit laughter or indifference from you, your heart may be growing numb. This disparity indicates a need for spiritual recalibration.

The antidote: an unqualified "yes." Paul's admonishment in Ephesians 4:17-19 highlights how non-believers, through hard-heartedness, lose their ability to make wise decisions. Believers risk the same. The antidote is to return to the "yes" that marked your conversion. Give God an "all-area pass," surrendering every "off-limits" part of your life. Your love for Christ should be reflected in what you tolerate in your life, leading to a tender, sensitive heart.

8. Renewal Involves Actively Replacing Lies with Specific Truths

You cannot fill a mind with truth until you have identified and removed the lies.

Taking off the old. Just as a painter removes old finish before applying new, renewing your mind requires identifying and clearing out the lies, misperceptions, and erroneous beliefs that form the foundation of your attitudes and worldview. What you believe directly determines how you behave.

Identifying the lies. Lies are woven into our thinking from constant exposure to a world that distorts truth (e.g., worth tied to beauty or wealth). These subtle lies can be uncovered by:

• Examining your excuses: "I've always been this way," "Everybody else is doing it," "I can handle it," "One time won't hurt," "Nobody will know," "But I'm in love."
• Analyzing over-sensitivity: Strong emotional reactions to certain topics often hide false beliefs.
• Exploring inordinate fears: Playing the "what-if" game can reveal unfounded assumptions (e.g., "I can't handle being alone").

Putting on the new. Once lies are identified, counter them with specific truths from Scripture. Jesus modeled this during His temptation, responding to Satan's specific lies with "It is written..." This isn't just about general Bible knowledge, but about wielding precise truth to dismantle specific falsehoods. To "put on the new," develop habits of:

• Speaking truth out loud: Verbalizing truth neutralizes misleading feelings and brings perspective.
• Personalizing the truth: Quote Scripture in the first person to internalize its power.
• Praying the truth: Incorporate specific verses into your prayers, expressing agreement with God's plan.
• Meditating on the truth: Regularly reflect on Scripture, allowing it to reshape your thinking day and night.

9. True Character Requires Taking Responsibility for Past Wrongs (Restitution)

God has made all things new. But that in no way relieves you of your responsibility to make things right with people you have mistreated.

Unfinished business. Becoming a person of character isn't just about future aspirations; it demands taking responsibility for past actions. Unresolved relationships, neglected debts, and unmade apologies are "unfinished business" that God will eventually lead you back to address. Moving forward with God often means going back to make things right with others.

Reconciliation over ritual. Jesus emphasized this in the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5:23-24), instructing followers to reconcile with an offended brother before presenting an offering at the altar. This radical teaching highlights that our relationship with God is inseparable from our relationships with others. You cannot sincerely worship God while neglecting to make amends with those you have wronged.

Grace and responsibility. While God's grace provides forgiveness for your sins, it does not exempt you from the responsibility of restitution to others. Zacchaeus, upon conversion, immediately pledged to repay those he had cheated fourfold, demonstrating that true repentance involves making things right where possible. Ignoring this responsibility:

• Hinders your worship and intimacy with God.
• Affects current and future relationships, often leading to intimacy issues.
• Misrepresents God to non-believers, potentially becoming a stumbling block to their faith.
• Fuels bitterness and anger in the lives of those you've wronged, preventing their healing.

10. Forgiveness is a Gift You Give Yourself to Release from Bitterness

A person who has an unforgiving spirit is always the real loser, much more so than the one against whom the grudge is held.

The Trojan horse of bitterness. Unresolved hurt is a major obstacle to character development, opening the heart to destructive forces like anger, resentment, and bitterness. Holding onto hurt is like inviting a Trojan horse into your life; it promises vindication but ultimately brings ruin. This "victim mentality" provides excuses for poor behavior and hinders personal growth.

Bitterness is poison. Bitterness is a cancer that contaminates every healthy aspect of your life and relationships. It spreads, turning victims into victimizers, and retards character growth. God's stern warning to forgive (Matthew 18:23-35) is not cruel, but a loving protection against the self-destructive nature of unforgiveness. He knows the severe consequences of holding onto anger.

The process of true forgiveness. Forgiveness is a decision, not a feeling, and it's primarily a gift you give yourself. It involves three processes:

• Charging the Defendant: Clearly identify exactly what was taken or withheld from you (e.g., reputation, trust, experience). General forgiveness doesn't heal specific hurts.
• Dropping the Charges: Willfully cancel the debt, proclaiming that the offender no longer owes you. This is a private act between you and God.
• Dismissing the Case: Daily choose not to reopen the case. When painful memories resurface, acknowledge them, but reaffirm your decision to cancel the debt, using them as reminders of God's grace and healing power.

11. Your Friendships Profoundly Shape Your Character – Choose Wisely

He who walks with wise men will be wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.

The power of influence. Your friends significantly influence the direction and quality of your life, often more than your convictions or goals. They can lead you to compromise your values or, conversely, inspire you toward integrity. This "peer pressure" dynamic works both positively and negatively.

Acceptance as a magnet. We are relational beings, drawn to environments of acceptance. This need can make us vulnerable, causing us to overlook character flaws in those who accept us, especially during transitional life stages. Brad's story illustrates how the need for social acceptance can lead to a lifestyle conflicting with deeply held values, even if beliefs remain intact.

Choosing wisely. Genuine friendship goes beyond mere acceptance; it's characterized by informed love and wisdom. A true friend is willing to risk the friendship to tell you what you need to hear, sharpening you like "iron sharpens iron" (Proverbs 27:17). To walk with the wise, you must:

• Identify the wise: Those who acknowledge God's standard as final and are committed to doing what's right.
• Evaluate existing friendships: If a friendship consistently leads to compromise, you have options: establish protective boundaries or, if necessary, walk away.
• Prioritize character: Never sacrifice your character for the sake of a friendship, as this diminishes your influence and hinders God's work in both your lives.

12. Character Development Requires the Empowering Strength of the Holy Spirit

In and of yourself, you don’t have what it takes to become a man or woman of character. You can’t do it. Not on your own, anyway.

Beyond self-effort. While motivation, principles, and strategies are crucial, they are insufficient for lasting character transformation. Like an old farmer struggling with a chainsaw he hasn't started, many Christians try to achieve character in their own strength, leading to slow, inconsistent, and joyless progress. You cannot change yourself any more than you could save yourself.

The Holy Spirit's role. Character development is not a "be all you can be" self-help program; it requires divine enablement. The Holy Spirit, the Spirit of truth, indwells believers to empower them to follow God's leading and manifest Christlike character. He shines God's truth into the dark places of your heart, performing the "excavating work" necessary for renewal.

Relational, not religious. The Christian life is meant to be lived in God's strength, not our own. This is a "relational approach," centered on what God has done and will do through you, rather than a "religious approach" focused on earning His approval through self-effort. Just as you received salvation by grace through faith ("I can't, You can"), you are to "walk in Him" (Colossians 2:6) with the same dependency.

Fruit of the Spirit. The character qualities we seek (love, joy, peace, patience, etc.) are "fruit of the Spirit" (Galatians 5:22-23), produced by the Spirit, not manufactured by us. The flesh cannot sustain the "will to do what is right regardless of personal cost." Surrendering to and depending on the Holy Spirit empowers you to overcome the desires of the flesh and consistently choose the path of character, unleashing a new dimension of God's power in your life.

Last updated: December 17, 2025