The Four Things That Matter Most

1. The Four Things: A Foundation for Meaningful Relationships

Comprising just eleven words, these four short sentences carry the core wisdom of what people who are dying have taught me about what matters most in life.

Core wisdom. The four things that matter most—"Please forgive me. I forgive you. Thank you. I love you"—are powerful tools for enriching all relationships. They are simple, yet profound, offering a pathway to emotional wholeness and peace. This wisdom is often revealed when facing life's end.

Stating the obvious. We often assume loved ones know our feelings, but explicit expression is crucial. When death looms, unspoken affections or unresolved tensions can lead to deep regret. Saying these things proactively transforms relationships into celebrations, affirming our deepest human drive to connect.

Universal application. These principles aren't just for the dying; they are for living fully. By integrating forgiveness, gratitude, and love into daily interactions, we can mend, tend, and celebrate our most precious connections. It expands our imagination of what's possible in our relationships.

2. Forgiveness: A Profound Gift You Give Yourself

Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.

Release the past. Forgiveness is not about condoning wrongdoing or forgetting the hurt; it's about accepting the past as unchangeable and freeing yourself from its grip. It's a sophisticated strategy for improving your own emotional well-being, allowing you to move forward unburdened.

Emotional economics. Refusing to forgive is like carrying a compounded emotional debt, constantly paying for past injuries. Forgiveness is a one-time cost that clears years of pain, releasing you from the bondage of hatred. It's an act of volition, a decision to prioritize your own peace.

Break the cycle. Painful legacies, like anger and criticism, can perpetuate across generations. Forgiveness is a courageous "Enough is enough!" It confronts imperfections with compassion, paving a future of health and wholeness. This act of self-liberation can transform not only your life but also the lives of those around you.

3. Gratitude: The Heart's Memory That Transforms Life

Gratitude is a way of seeing, of being.

Mindful appreciation. Expressing "Thank you" explicitly reminds us of the abundance in our lives, shifting focus from lack to plenty. It's not enough to assume others know; consistent, specific expressions of gratitude deepen connections and foster mindfulness of daily kindnesses.

Biographies of joy. Cultivating gratitude can help create a "biography of joy," a practice of recalling moments of delight throughout life. This exercise, even in the face of illness, can evoke smiles and laughter, infusing life with a vital "Vitamin J" that is essential for well-being.

Profound connection. Gratitude is intimately fused with joy, expanding our capacity to experience and express love. It allows us to celebrate who we are to one another, even in the face of ultimate loss. This deep sense of contentment can make even the final moments of life radiant.

4. Love: An Unconditional Force Beyond Words

For one human being to love another human being: that is perhaps the most difficult task that has been entrusted to us, the ultimate test and proof, the work for which all other work is merely preparation.

Primal and transcendent. Love is the most powerful human emotion, requiring no justification. It's a supremely life-affirming act, especially when death approaches, reminding us that our connections are what matter most. This love is often an impulse that knows no bounds.

Beyond verbal. While "I love you" is crucial, love can be expressed in countless creative ways, especially when words are difficult or culturally uncommon. Actions, touch, and shared rituals can communicate affection more powerfully than words. Gunter shaving his father became a profound act of love.

Loving the body. True love extends to accepting and caring for the physical body, even in its most vulnerable states. This includes tasks that may seem unpleasant, like bathing or feeding. This "tender, loving care" is deeply meaningful for both the recipient and the caregiver, fulfilling an intrinsic human need.

5. Conscious Goodbyes: Essential for Wholeness and Peace

To love truly is inevitably to experience loss.

Acknowledge separation. Goodbyes are dreaded, but consciously embracing them acknowledges life's impermanence and deepens our appreciation for each moment. When the Four Things are conveyed, even painful farewells contribute to the wholeness of love between two people.

Blessing the future. Intentional goodbyes offer a blessing, projecting love and affirmation into the future. This can take many forms, from heartfelt conversations before a loved one departs for war, to pre-written letters and gifts for children to open at future milestones.

Transformative parting. Accepting the unacceptable—that a loved one is dying—can open a realm of profound communication and connection. These "perfect moments" of shared love and honesty, even amidst sorrow, can transform grief into gratitude and leave a lasting sense of peace.

6. Relationships Endure: Healing Beyond Physical Presence

Death ends a life, not a relationship.

Lasting impact. Our relationships with loved ones do not vanish with death; they continue to influence our thoughts, feelings, and dreams. People who are most important to us become part of our psyche and soul, living on within us in tangible ways.

Post-mortem completion. Even after someone has died, relationships can change in healthy ways. Techniques like the "empty chair" or writing letters can help survivors express unsaid feelings, offering and asking for forgiveness. This process aids in resolving lingering resentment and finding peace.

Mysterious connections. Sometimes, the dying seem to delay their departure to achieve a final goal or say goodbye. These mysterious lingerings, like Sandy Cummings's coma, suggest a profound, unspoken connection, allowing families to reach closure and ease into grief before the final letting go.

7. Act Now: The Urgency of Unsaid Words

It’s always too soon, until it’s too late.

Life's precariousness. We live each day just a heartbeat away from eternity, constantly at risk of sudden loss. This stark reality underscores the urgency of expressing important feelings to loved ones without delay. Regrets over unsaid words are a common lament among the bereaved.

Seize the moment. Don't wait for a grave diagnosis or a crisis to "come current" in your relationships. The opportunity to mend, tend, and celebrate connections is always present. Proactive communication prevents the burden of "what-ifs" and "should-haves" that can haunt survivors.

No perfect timing. While there's no perfect time, there's always a right time to say the Four Things. Even if the recipient has dementia or is unresponsive, the act of expressing these feelings is valuable for the speaker and other family members, fostering a sense of completion and peace.

8. Embrace Imperfection: The Path to Self-Acceptance

Imperfection is an inescapable part of being human.

Release self-judgment. Many people struggle with feelings of unworthiness or guilt, especially when facing illness. This self-imposed torment prevents them from experiencing the love and acceptance of others. It's crucial to forgive yourself for being human and imperfect.

Inherent worthiness. You are worthy of self-acceptance and love, right here, right now, flaws and all. This isn't about denying mistakes but acknowledging that everyone is flawed. Until you feel worthy, you cannot truly believe or feel the love others have for you.

Mercy for self. Just as we extend mercy to others, we must extend it to ourselves, especially during illness or vulnerability. Physical frailty is not a sign of personal weakness or moral insufficiency; it's a natural part of being human. Accepting help from others is a healthy, dignified act.

9. Transformation Through Adversity: Growth in Life's Final Chapters

In dying we are newly born.

Vulnerability's power. Serious illness and the approach of death often strip away pretense, forcing profound introspection and honesty. This vulnerability creates opportunities for quantum leaps in personal development, allowing individuals to achieve intimacy and peace previously unimaginable.

Redefining life's end. Dying doesn't have to be a defeat; it can be a period of intense growth and transformation. Patients like Steve Morris, who found tenderness and cohesiveness with his family, or Gabrielle, who experienced a "perfect moment" of joy, demonstrate this potential.

A new perspective. Adversity can force a fresh view of the world, making each moment precious and perfect. This renewed appreciation for life, often accompanied by intense gratitude, allows individuals to live fully through to the very end, finding "heaven on earth" in their final days.

Last updated: September 3, 2025