The New Rules of Marriage

1. Modern Relationships Demand New Rules and Skills

We have never wanted more from one another—more passion, more support, more connection.

Outdated rules. Twentieth-century marriages, shaped by the industrial revolution, established roles like "Man-the-Breadwinner" and "Woman-the-Caretaker." These traditional arrangements, while stable, prioritized companionship over deep intimacy, emotional sharing, or mutual support. Divorce was rare, and unhappiness often remained hidden.

New expectations. The women's movement of the late 20th century fundamentally altered societal roles, empowering women with economic freedom and new psychological perspectives. This shift led to radically new expectations for marriage, demanding a lifelong romance filled with deep talks, exciting times, and great sex, alongside stability. However, these new desires were not matched by a corresponding set of relationship skills.

Skill gap. Many individuals, particularly men, struggle to meet these heightened expectations, leading to widespread frustration and dissatisfaction. Navigating modern relationships by simply doing what "comes naturally" often results in unhappy unions or divorce. The author argues that, like driving a car, a satisfying relationship now requires active schooling and a new "rule book" to build it thoughtfully and skillfully.

2. Recognize and Abandon Your Five Losing Strategies

Objective reality has no place in close personal relationships.

Self-sabotage. When faced with unmet needs, couples often fall into five "losing strategies" that derail their true agenda of getting needs met. These common, yet dysfunctional, behaviors prevent resolution and deepen conflict. They include:

• Needing to be right: Prioritizing proving one's point over finding a solution, often escalating to self-righteous indignation.
• Controlling your partner: Attempting to force a partner to behave "correctly," an illusion that breeds resentment.
• Unbridled self-expression: Venting anger or hurt without constructive purpose, often perceived as being a "brat."
• Retaliation: Seeking to "get even" through direct nastiness or indirect passive-aggression, often from a victim stance.
• Withdrawal: Disengaging from the relationship, either entirely or from specific areas of intimacy, leading to loss of passion.

Toxic cycles. These strategies don't just fail individually; they trigger and reinforce each other, creating vicious cycles where "the more he X's, the more she Y's." This repetitive dance, or "bad deal," prevents genuine connection and problem-solving. Letting go of the need to be right and committing to non-violence (psychological and physical) are foundational steps toward healthier interactions.

Shift focus. Instead of getting sidetracked by these destructive patterns, the goal is to recognize them and consciously choose different responses. Understanding these losing strategies is the first step toward breaking free from them and moving towards more effective, relationship-empowering behaviors.

3. Break Your "Bad Deal" by Changing Yourself, Not Your Partner

Our healing comes when we replay the old failing drama and finally stop trying.

Unfinished business. We are often drawn to partners whose issues perfectly fit with our own, leading us to re-create unresolved childhood dramas. This "bad deal" is a familiar, often unconscious, pattern learned from our formative years, where we adopt stances like helplessness or scolding. We mistakenly believe that our partners can finally give us what we missed from our parents.

Self-reparenting. The profound truth is that no one else can re-parent us as adults. Our healing doesn't come from finally "winning" the old drama with our partner, but from recognizing the futility of that pursuit and stopping. We must learn to give ourselves the missing skills and love we yearn for, becoming freestanding adults rather than longing children.

Radical new moves. While we cannot directly control our partner or the relationship's outcome, we can influence them by experimenting with radical new moves of our own. This requires "second consciousness"—a new level of awareness that allows us to choose mature, skillful responses instead of automatic, ingrained reactions. This deliberate shift, like taking sticky hands off the steering wheel, is the core of relationship practice and the path to transforming our marriages.

4. Become "Intimacy Ready" by Cleaning Up Your Environment

In order to work toward a great relationship you must have a sane, sober, and safe place in which to do the work.

Foundational health. Before deep relationship work can begin, both partners must address any untreated psychiatric conditions, issues of self-medication, or "acting-out" disorders. These individual challenges act as "misery stabilizers," bleeding off discontent and preventing genuine engagement. Neglecting them inflicts unnecessary suffering on the family.

Misery stabilizers. These are substances or processes people turn to instead of each other, numbing pain rather than addressing its cause. They include:

• Alcohol or other drugs
• Workaholism
• Love dependence (affairs)
• Compulsive sex, gambling, spending
• Over-reliance on TV, internet, children, or even exercise

Safety first. Any form of "acting out"—sexual (affairs) or aggressive (physical harm, intimidation, verbal abuse)—renders the relationship unsafe for intimacy. Verbal abuse, including yelling, name-calling, shaming, or dictating thoughts/feelings, violates psychological boundaries. The "time-out" technique is a crucial "violence circuit breaker," allowing either partner to pause an escalating interaction to calm down and return responsibly.

5. Cultivate Healthy Self-Esteem and Supple Boundaries

Self-esteem is your capacity to recognize your worth and value, despite your human flaws and weaknesses.

Internal strength. Healthy self-esteem means recognizing your inherent worth as a human being, independent of performance, others' opinions, or possessions. It's about being "same-as"—neither superior nor inferior to anyone. Our culture often promotes unhealthy self-esteem, driving us to seek worth through:

• Performance-based esteem: "I have worth because of what I can do."
• Other-based esteem: "I have worth because you think I do."
• Attribute-based esteem: "I have worth because of what I have."

Psychological boundaries. These act like psychic "skin," containing your impulses and protecting you from others' intrusions.

• Containing boundary: Your capacity for restraint, stopping you from "leaking" your rage, anxiety, or certainties onto others. Strengthened by practices like time-outs.
• Protective boundary: Shields you from others' negativity, allowing you to discern truth from projection without becoming reactive or defensive.

Grandiosity and walls. Too little shame leads to grandiosity—a feeling of shameless superiority that impairs judgment and causes harm to others. Conversely, being "walled off" means being protected but not connected, while "boundaryless" means connected but not protected. Both block intimacy. The "relationship grid" helps identify these states and guides you back to a centered, supple, and engaged position.

6. Shift from Complaint to Empowering, Specific Requests

Great relationships mean more assertion up front and less resentment on the back end.

Ineffective complaining. Many people mistakenly believe that complaining about what they didn't get is an effective way to get what they do want. This "negative/past" focus rarely engenders generosity and often leads to partners shutting down or becoming defensive. Complaining is a form of pseudo-assertion that, like acquiescence, fails to achieve desired results.

The power of asking. The first winning strategy is to shift from complaint to a "positive/future" focused request. This means clearly identifying what you want, expressing it in an understandable way, and breaking it down into actionable behaviors. This approach empowers your partner by giving them a clear path to succeed.

Overcoming discomfort. Asking directly can feel uncomfortable due to:

• Lack of ownership: Difficulty believing you have a right to wants and needs.
• Fear of disappointment: Direct requests risk rejection, unlike vague complaints.
• Fear of rocking the boat: Assertiveness, especially from women, can challenge established dynamics.

Golden Rule. The core principle of relationship empowerment is: "What can I give you to help you give me what I want?" This proactive, supportive stance transforms interactions, making your partner more willing and able to meet your needs.

7. Master the Art of Repair Through Skillful Listening

Understanding builds empathy, empathy builds compassion, and compassion ends combat.

Unilateral repair. Unlike typical dialogue where both partners speak simultaneously, the repair process is unilateral. One partner initiates by "speaking out with love and savvy" (using the Feedback Wheel), and the other's sole role is to listen. The listener must put their own needs, explanations, and rebuttals aside.

Listener's goal. The listener's primary objective is to help the speaker move from a state of acute discontent back into harmony. This means adopting an attitude of "I am at your service. How can I help?" Any attempt to deflect, defend, or shift focus to one's own experience will be perceived as ungiving and selfish.

The Feedback Wheel for listening. To truly understand, the listener mentally processes the speaker's message through the four steps of the Feedback Wheel:

1. What I saw/heard: Comprehending the specific, observable behaviors.
2. What I made up about it: Grasping the speaker's interpretation and internal logic, even if it differs from your own.
3. How I feel about it: Connecting the speaker's meaning to their emotions, understanding why they feel as they do.
4. What I'd like: Identifying the specific actions the speaker is requesting for resolution.

Ending combat. By genuinely understanding your partner's perspective, you build empathy and compassion, which are powerful "CNI-busters." When the real person emerges from the caricature of your "Core Negative Image," combat subsides, paving the way for true repair.

8. Respond with Radical Generosity and Accountability

In the wake of difficult behavior, the most reassuring thing you can do is to show accountability.

Beyond listening. Once the listener has fully understood the speaker's message and requests, the next step is to respond with generosity. This involves three key actions:

• Clarify: Ensure complete understanding of the speaker's requests, especially "what I'd like now."
• Acknowledge: Take responsibility for whatever truth you can find in your partner's feedback. Instead of denying, admit. This is crucial for rebuilding trust and showing you care. Even if you disagree with parts, find something to own.
• Give: Grant as many of your partner's requests as are feasible, stretching beyond your comfort zone when possible. Lead with what you can do, rather than what you cannot.

Accountability is key. Refusing to "own" your contribution to a problem signals to your partner that you either don't understand or don't care, implying the behavior will likely repeat. Acknowledgment reassures your partner that you are not dangerous and are willing to change. This transforms argument into a moment of connection and growth.

Strategic generosity. Even if you cannot grant every request, emphasize your good intentions and find something to give. This diplomatic approach can disarm your partner and foster gratitude, rather than focusing on what is withheld. This phase completes the listener's role, setting the stage for mutual empowerment.

9. Actively Cherish Your Partner's Progress and Your Relationship

Failure to take pleasure in the good things in your life dishonors the gifts or accomplishments that deserve appreciation.

The "having" skill. Cherishing is the final winning strategy, focusing on enjoying and nurturing what you have in the relationship. Many couples are "appreciation deficient," failing to acknowledge and celebrate their partner's efforts or the positive aspects of their shared life. This lack of pleasure is a form of ingratitude and can lead to stagnation.

Amplify progress. The most effective way to encourage more positive behavior from your partner is to cherish it when it appears. This means:

• Acknowledge and cherish efforts: Express genuine appreciation for their attempts and successes, no matter how small or imperfect.
• Demonstrate increased desire: Show through your actions that their positive changes make you want to be more pleasing in return.

Carrot and stick. While setting limits (the "stick") is sometimes necessary, positive reinforcement (the "carrot") amplifies new growth. Cherishing transforms initial efforts into sustained, healthy patterns. It's about nurturing the "tiny green shoot" of progress into a strong, healthy plant.

10. Cultivate "Lover's Energy" and Become Partners-in-Health

You will not feel like lovers unless you are willing to behave like lovers.

Reclaiming romance. Modern life, especially with children, often "eviscerates romance," shifting focus from "nose-to-nose" lover's energy to "side-by-side" family energy. To sustain intimacy, couples must actively reclaim romantic space, time, and energy. This involves:

• Reclaim romantic space: Schedule date nights, weekends away, or even just dedicated "sensual time" at home.
• Tell the truth: Authentic connection is a powerful aphrodisiac; withdrawal kills passion. Use your relationship skills to navigate difficult truths rather than avoiding them.
• Cultivate sharing: Actively engage in intellectual, emotional, physical, sexual, and spiritual sharing.
• Cherish your partner: Practice "guerrilla cherishing" with thoughtful, impactful gestures. Be nice, appreciate daily, and demonstrate erotic interest.
• Become partners-in-health: Share a commitment to relational practice, seeing yourselves as a team dedicated to non-violent, full-respect living.

Shared practice. Being "partners-in-health" means having a common vision, shared skills, and mutual accountability. It's a commitment to continuously learn and grow together, supporting each other through challenges. This shared discipline, like a spiritual practice or a hobby, strengthens the bond and fosters a sense of deep connection and trust.

11. Know When to Seek Help and When to Let Go

We cannot control the destiny or the choices of other human beings.

Seeking professional help. It's time to seek professional help when your diligent efforts to use relationship skills, rock the boat, and clearly communicate your needs have consistently failed. The challenge often lies not in knowing when to get help, but in overcoming resistance to it. For resistant partners, consider booking a couple's therapy appointment or even an intervention for serious issues.

Evaluating the relationship. For partners who are "mostly okay but unaccountable," or "highly difficult and unaccountable," a soul-searching assessment is necessary. Consider the severity and frequency of problematic behaviors, their impact on your life, and the overall satisfaction you derive from the relationship. While preserving families is important, children are also damaged by staying in miserable homes.

Pulling the plug. If, after all efforts and professional help have failed, you genuinely feel no interest in your partner or believe they are unwilling to change, it may be time to end the relationship. This decision, especially with children, is deeply personal and should be made after careful reflection and consultation with trusted individuals. The work invested in developing intimacy skills will still serve you, enabling a cleaner separation and better prospects for future happiness.

Last updated: December 29, 2025