Key Takeaways
1. Prioritize Your Life: Work-Life Balance Isn't a Weakness
It would take years of feeling overworked and underappreciated for me to realize that the best gift I could give my career was to make room for my life.
Challenge the "always on" culture. Many industries foster an environment where personal life is seen as secondary to work, leading to burnout and underappreciation. This unspoken rule, "If you have a life, you’re not working hard enough," often pushes individuals, especially women, to sacrifice their well-being in pursuit of career advancement. The authors learned that clinging to personal boundaries, like Janet's protected Sunday evenings, was crucial for long-term sustainability and creativity.
Combat guilt and overcommitment. Women frequently feel guilty spending time on themselves, often putting family and work obligations first. Studies show a significant drop in free time for Canadians and a tendency for women to prioritize others' needs. This "yes-culture" leads to exhaustion and diminished performance, as exemplified by Zahra, who worked excessive hours driven by impossible standards and guilt, ultimately impacting the quality of her work.
Self-care enhances performance. Prioritizing personal time and self-care is not a luxury but a necessity that can significantly boost career effectiveness. Dr. Elaine Chin's observation that successful women are less likely to get regular checkups highlights a critical oversight. Men, conversely, often "do better schedule," integrating self-care as a stress management tool. Making small, intentional changes, like Stephanie's extra half-hour in the morning or Karen Howe's brewery hobby, can lead to transformative improvements in overall life and work satisfaction.
2. Recognize and Challenge Gender Bias: It's Still Here
It took a very long time, but I did finally see the truth: gender bias is alive and well and holding women back, right here, right now.
Bias is subtle, yet pervasive. While overt discrimination like Janet being excluded from a beer campaign pitch because "women don't get beer" might seem like a relic of the past, gender bias has evolved into more subtle forms. This "second-generation gender bias" is rooted in the underrepresentation of women in leadership, creating powerful but hard-to-see barriers that influence workplace culture and interactions. It manifests as women holding back opinions or avoiding discussions about home life, fearing they won't be taken seriously.
The "double bind" persists. Women often face a Catch-22: if they conform to nurturing stereotypes, they're seen as incompetent for leadership; if they display assertive, leadership-like behaviors, they're deemed "too tough" or unlikable. A Yale study found women who spoke up frequently were perceived as less competent than quieter peers, while men doing the same were seen as more capable. This societal expectation forces women to temper their voices, impacting their career progression.
Confronting bias is crucial. Ignoring gender bias, as Nancy initially did despite witnessing it, only perpetuates the problem. The "career nuclear bomb" of Neil French's public misogyny forced a reckoning, revealing the real impact of sexism and the importance of speaking up. While challenging bias can be isolating, as Caroline Valenta experienced when her female peers questioned her letter to the dean, it's essential for creating change and empowering future generations.
3. Embrace Mentoring: It's a Strategic Win-Win
What I didn’t realize was that mentoring was far from good-deed-doing. It was the groundwork for a different future—for Arthur and for me.
Mentoring is a powerful accelerator. Mentors provide invaluable guidance, refine skills, demystify office politics, and embolden protégées, as seen in the author's own experience with Mark Hilltout. This relationship is not merely an act of charity but a critical component of career advancement, helping individuals navigate challenges and unlock their full potential. The concept, rooted in Homer's Odyssey, highlights its timeless importance in professional development.
Mentors gain as much as mentees. The act of mentoring offers significant, often unexpected, benefits to the mentor. By guiding others, mentors develop crucial leadership skills such as delegation, talent development, and strategic decision-making. The authors' experience with Arthur, the aspiring copywriter, transformed their perception of mentoring from a "good deed" to a "selfish" career strategy, ultimately paving their path to chief creative officer roles.
Reframe and prioritize mentoring. Modern business often devalues formal mentoring, leaving employees to "fend for themselves." This neglect is particularly detrimental to women, who tend to wait until they feel 80-90% qualified before seeking new roles. Mentoring builds confidence and provides the "mojo" needed to take on leadership challenges. Companies that invest in mentoring, like Ogilvy's internship program, not only retain talent but also foster a culture of continuous growth and innovation, proving that it's a false economy to cut such programs.
4. Don't Wait for Opportunities: Be Proactive in Your Pursuit
If she had taken the offered hand, though, she’d have quickly discovered that her boss puts a lot of energy into helping Google women understand how to get the career supercharge they need, while at the same time handing them the keys to their own power.
Proactivity unlocks potential. Many women, due to socialization or fear of appearing "needy," hesitate to actively seek out mentors or opportunities, believing "good things come to those who wait." This passive approach often leads to missed chances, as illustrated by Sabrina Geremia's colleague who declined an immediate mentoring conversation. In fast-paced environments, waiting means being left behind.
Distinguish mentors from sponsors. While mentors offer advice and coaching, sponsors are powerful advocates who use their influence to open doors and accelerate careers. Sponsors are "career-makers" who take risks on your behalf, like Susannah Aliker's ex-marine boss or Kate James's CEO. Women often have fewer sponsors because they invest heavily in one relationship, or because men are sometimes hesitant to mentor women due to potential misinterpretation.
Build your support system intentionally. Since formal mentoring is often lacking, women must proactively build their own "personal advisory boards" (PABs) or "mentoring circles." This can involve reaching out to influential individuals, joining programs like The Judy Project, or even hiring a professional coach. The key is to diversify your network, seek out those with relevant experience, and be prepared to articulate your needs, rather than passively hoping for guidance.
5. Speak Up and Be Assertive: "Nice Girls" Finish Last
When it comes to being assertive, women are "damned if they don’t and doomed if they do."
The "double bind" of assertiveness. Women face a persistent paradox: if they are too soft, they are deemed incompetent; if they are too assertive, they are seen as unlikable or "bossy." This societal conditioning often leads women to temper their opinions, avoid challenging others, and shy away from the spotlight, ultimately hindering their career progression. The Yale study on women's assertiveness highlights this pervasive issue, where speaking up can negatively impact perceptions of competence.
Assertiveness comes in many forms. There isn't one single way to be assertive. While some, like Nancy, might favor directness and taking the lead, others, like Janet, excel through active listening, synthesizing information, and strategic storytelling. Ellen Ma learned to adapt her assertive style from a "loudest wins" culture to a more collaborative, consensus-building approach in Asia. The key is to find an authentic style that works for you and your environment, rather than suppressing your voice entirely.
Claim your credit and ask for what you want. Women often fall into the trap of being "team players" to the point of self-sabotage, failing to make their individual contributions visible. This reluctance to "toot their own horn" can lead to missed promotions and recognition. Executive coach Chris Tardio emphasizes that if you don't ask, you don't get. Learning to "act assertive" (fake it till you make it), clarifying your desires, and stepping into the spotlight are crucial steps to ensuring your value is recognized and your career advances.
6. Know Your Worth: Negotiate Your Salary Fearlessly
SOME EXPERTS HAVE SUGGESTED WOMEN LOSE BETWEEN $350,000 AND $500,000 IN SALARY BECAUSE WE DON’T START TO NEGOTIATE UNTIL WE’RE TOO FAR BEHIND TO CATCH UP.
The pervasive wage gap. Women consistently earn less than men, a disparity that begins with the first job and compounds over a career, potentially costing hundreds of thousands of dollars. Studies show women anticipate lower starting salaries and are significantly less likely to negotiate than men. This reluctance stems from discomfort with discussing money, fear of being perceived as greedy, and a deep-seated belief that they are not worth more.
Overcome the "imposter syndrome." Many high-achieving women struggle with "imposter syndrome," feeling they don't deserve their accomplishments or higher pay. This internal doubt, coupled with societal messages that women shouldn't be "pushy," prevents them from advocating for themselves. The author's own experience of saying "I'm not worth that" when offered a significantly higher salary illustrates this ingrained self-depreciation.
Strategize your negotiation. To bridge the wage gap, women must learn to negotiate effectively. This involves:
- Telling a better tale: Documenting achievements and articulating value clearly.
- Taking "no" as a question: Understanding what's needed to turn a "no" into a "yes."
- Practicing: Negotiating for others (like the authors did for their teams) can build confidence.
- Researching: Understanding market value by discussing salaries (despite corporate discouragement) and researching industry benchmarks.
- Power posing: Using physical cues to boost confidence before negotiations.
7. Learn to Delegate: "I'll Do It Myself" Is Self-Sabotage
In the end, rather than being a badge of strength, Paula’s 'yes' made her look weak.
"Yes-icide" leads to failure. The ingrained habit of saying "I'll do it myself, thanks" or "yes" when overextended is a form of self-sabotage. Women often do this to prove their capability, avoid burdening colleagues, or out of fear of losing status. However, this leads to poor outcomes, missed deadlines, and ultimately, a diminished reputation, as seen when Paula's overcommitment resulted in terrible work.
Knowing limits is a strength. True leadership involves recognizing when you need support and communicating those limits effectively. A boss respects an employee who can honestly assess their capacity and propose solutions, rather than silently struggling and delivering subpar results. The legitimate fear should be the consequences of not declaring your limits, rather than the perceived weakness of asking for help.
Collaboration beats individual heroism. The traditional "hero" model of business, where one individual takes all the credit, often overlooks the power of collective effort. The authors' "Avengers' model" for the Shreddies campaign, involving diverse talents from interns to comedians, demonstrated that collaboration leads to more innovative and successful outcomes. Dr. Barbara Cook's story of three female physicians uniting to create patient consultation space highlights the formidable power of joining forces to overcome obstacles.
8. You Can Do Both: Career and Motherhood Are Not Mutually Exclusive
Far from hurting me at work, motherhood actually accelerated my career.
Challenge the "tot-or-top" dilemma. The pervasive belief that women "can't do both" a demanding career and motherhood leads many to either delay children or "lean out" of their careers. This narrative, reinforced by headlines and even mentors, creates immense anxiety for aspiring mothers. However, the authors argue that this choice is a false dichotomy, and that motherhood can, in fact, enhance professional capabilities.
Motherhood develops invaluable skills. Becoming a mother often sharpens skills critical for leadership:
- Empathy: Increased understanding of others' emotions.
- Patience: Essential for managing diverse personalities and challenges.
- Perspective: Reduces overreaction to work setbacks.
- Time Management: Forces ruthless organization and efficiency.
These "mom skills" translate directly into stronger leadership and better performance, as the author experienced after Lily's birth.
Demand flexibility and support. Companies committed to retaining talent are increasingly open to flexible work arrangements, remote work, and other supportive policies. Sabrina Geremia's proactive approach to discussing her career goals with Google while on maternity leave, and Pum Lefebure's integrated work-life model at Design Army, demonstrate how women can negotiate conditions that allow them to thrive in both roles. The key is to articulate your needs and propose solutions, rather than assuming limitations.
9. Take Strategic Risks: Don't Let Fear Hold You Back
Remembering you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose.
Fear is the biggest obstacle. Many women are held back by an overemphasis on what could go wrong, leading to a "stay safe" mentality. This "gremlin of self-doubt" prevents them from taking ambitious leaps, whether it's pursuing a high-level job or speaking up in a meeting. The author's decision to turn down a triple-salary job in New York due to fear of failure is a stark example of this self-imposed limitation.
Reframe risk as "leaping." Instead of viewing risk as a potential fall, reframe it as a positive, forward motion. This mental shift can transform paralyzing fear into resolve. Strategic risk-taking involves:
- Building trust: Strong relationships provide a safety net for bold ideas.
- Understanding consequences: Knowing the worst-case scenario helps in decision-making.
- Being prepared: Learning everything possible before taking the leap.
- Embracing mistakes: Viewing failures as "tuition" for learning and growth.
Women's strategic approach to risk. While men are often socialized to take bolder, less considered risks, women tend to be more strategic and thoughtful in their risk assessment. This "innate caution" can be an asset, leading to more robust decisions and better outcomes, as evidenced by studies showing companies with more women on boards perform better financially. Learning to "cling to the wing" less, like Lisa Rodwell's skydiving experience, can unlock new levels of personal and professional growth.
10. Network Authentically: Build Connections, Not Just Contacts
The best kind of networking doesn’t feel like a chore.
Networking is essential, not optional. Many women view networking as an unappealing, inauthentic "manly ritual" involving golf and schmoozing, leading them to avoid it. This misconception is a significant barrier to career advancement, as networks provide crucial leads, support, and visibility. Lesa Mitchell's observations at TED conferences highlight how women often miss prime opportunities to build valuable connections.
Authenticity is the new networking. Effective networking is about genuine human connection, not manipulation. It involves:
- Giving first: Offering help, sharing insights, or connecting others without expecting immediate returns.
- Being present: Engaging with genuine curiosity and interest, rather than a hidden agenda.
- Consistency: Dedicating small, regular efforts (e.g., 15 minutes a day) to maintain relationships.
- Leveraging existing connections: Utilizing your current network to expand your reach, as the authors did to secure their first book deal.
Expand your reach strategically. To build a powerful network, actively seek out environments where influential people gather, such as industry events, boards of charities, or even by hosting small dinners. Don't shy away from approaching accomplished individuals; many are flattered by genuine interest. Learning the "dialect" of different groups, like Lally Rementilla's "The Gal's Got Game" for sports, can create instant rapport and open new avenues for connection.
11. Redefine the Game: Lead with Authenticity, Not Conformity
You can live a life that’s authentic or a life that’s karaoke.
The "game" of business demands conformity. Business is often described as a "game" with unspoken rules that reward bravado, competition, and emotional detachment. Many women feel pressured to adopt an "ill-fitting 'one of the guys'" persona, suppressing their natural instincts and emotions to succeed. This can lead to emotional toll and a sense of inauthenticity, causing many to opt out of traditional corporate environments.
Authenticity is a powerful leadership tool. Leading with your true self, values, and humanity can be a profound strength. CEOs like Brian Fetherstonhaugh, who knew all his employees by name and shared his real self, fostered deep loyalty and inspiration. Sharon MacLeod's courageous apology to her team, revealing her vulnerability, built immense trust and commitment. This level of openness, though seemingly risky, creates a powerful connection that draws people in.
Choose your own rules. Instead of playing a game designed by others, women can redefine the rules of business. This means:
- Being transparent: Communicating your honest point of view, even if it's controversial.
- Prioritizing values: Making decisions aligned with your conscience, even if it means walking away from a deal, as Jules did.
- Embracing your personality: Not changing yourself to suit others, but learning to manage how your emotions are perceived.
- Learning the "dialect": Understanding the unspoken rules and languages of different business environments to navigate them effectively, without losing yourself.
12. Ambition Isn't a Straight Line: Embrace Your Winding Path
Women’s lives don’t follow a straight line, especially if they have children. I never wanted to just get from here to there. It wasn’t interesting to me. I jumped from lily pad to lily pad, sometimes a smaller one, sometimes a bigger one depending on what I wanted in my life at that time.
Redefine ambition beyond traditional metrics. The conventional definition of ambition—a "straight line to the top" focused on "rank, fame, and power"—often doesn't resonate with women. Instead, many successful women, like Alessandra, envision ambition as a "lily pad" journey, prioritizing learning, impact, authenticity, and an abundant life that accommodates personal fulfillment and family. This broader perspective allows for flexibility and unexpected opportunities.
Non-linear paths lead to fulfillment. Stepping off the traditional career ladder, whether for family or new experiences, doesn't equate to career stagnation. Denise Pickett, who declined promotions to prioritize her family, and Kathleen Warner, whose career zigzagged from law to government to entrepreneurship, both achieved significant impact and fulfillment. Their stories demonstrate that conscious choices and a willingness to "ebb and flow" can lead to a richer, more meaningful professional life.
Be the architect of your own fulfillment. Women have the power to design careers and lives that align with their deepest desires, rather than conforming to external expectations. Bonnie Wan's drastic redesign of her life to prioritize family while maintaining a successful career, and Joanne Thomas Yaccato's global work for women's financial freedom, exemplify this. By owning their ambition, embracing their unique strengths, and creating their own rules, women are increasingly forging paths that lead to both professional success and personal happiness.
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