Rekindling Desire

1. Inhibited Desire is a Common Couple Problem, Not a Personal Flaw

Inhibited sexual desire is the most frequent complaint of couples seeking sex therapy.

Widespread issue. Inhibited sexual desire and discrepancies in desire are the most common sexual problems facing American couples, affecting over 40 million individuals in low-sex (less than 25 times/year) or no-sex (less than 10 times/year) marriages. This isn't a sign of personal deficiency or abnormality, but a complex phenomenon influenced by physical, psychological, relational, cultural, and situational factors. It's crucial to understand that you are not alone in this struggle.

Beyond myths. Contrary to popular myths, neither boredom nor age are the primary culprits behind inhibited desire. The initial "hot" sex driven by romantic love and sexual chemistry is inherently unstable and dissipates over time. Sustainable desire is built on a foundation of emotional and sexual intimacy, comfort, attraction, and trust, rather than fleeting passion.

Couple's journey. Viewing inhibited sexual desire as a "couple issue" is the most effective approach, shifting away from destructive blame and guilt. This fosters an "intimate team" mindset, where both partners take responsibility for their own sexuality while supporting each other in revitalizing their shared sexual bond. The goal is to integrate intimacy, nondemand pleasuring, and erotic scenarios to rekindle desire.

2. Eliminate "Poisons" That Kill Sexual Desire

Anger has an extremely corrosive effect on marital sexuality.

Desire's vulnerability. Sexual desire is fragile and easily extinguished by various "poisons" or turnoffs. These include a range of negative emotions and experiences that block positive anticipation and pleasure. Identifying and confronting these individual and couple poisons is a critical first step in rekindling desire.

Common culprits. Key emotional poisons include:

• Anger: Chronic conflict, intimate coercion (demanding sex with implied negative consequences), and unresolved hurt from affairs or disappointments destroy trust and connection.
• Guilt: Self-defeating feelings from past actions (e.g., affairs, masturbation) lead to self-blame and isolation.
• Anxiety: Anticipatory anxiety (fear of failure before sex) and performance anxiety (during sex) turn pleasure into a test.
• Inhibitions: Roadblocks like poor body image, reluctance to initiate, or self-consciousness stifle natural expression.
• Shame: Negative feelings from past traumas (abuse, rejection) can control sexual self-esteem.

Confront and replace. Confronting these poisons requires honesty, self-responsibility, and open communication with your partner. Instead of letting them control your present, acknowledge their impact, apologize for harmful behaviors, and actively work to replace them with healthy attitudes and actions. This process is about becoming a "survivor" who builds a positive sexual future, rather than remaining a "victim" of the past.

3. Overcome Sexual Dysfunctions as a Team

For the great majority of males, the causation is clear—sexual dysfunction results in desire problems.

Dysfunction's impact. Sexual dysfunctions are a major cause of inhibited desire, particularly for men. For males, problems like premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, or ejaculatory inhibition often lead to a destructive cycle of anticipatory anxiety, performance failure, and sexual avoidance. For women, dysfunctions such as nonorgasmic response, arousal difficulties, painful intercourse, or vaginismus can similarly dampen desire.

Beyond performance. Traditional male socialization often links masculinity to easy, automatic sexual performance, making dysfunction particularly stigmatizing. However, healthy sexuality is about intimacy and pleasure, not pressure and performance. For women, understanding that orgasm is not the sole measure of satisfaction and that female response is variable and flexible is crucial.

Collaborative healing. Addressing sexual dysfunction is best done as a couple, with each partner taking responsibility for their own sexual attitudes and behaviors while working as an "intimate team." This involves:

• Premature Ejaculation: Learning ejaculatory control through techniques like "stop-start" and partner guidance.
• Erectile Dysfunction: Focusing on nondemand pleasuring, accepting the natural waxing and waning of erections, and utilizing partner stimulation. Medical aids like Viagra can be integrated with open communication.
• Ejaculatory Inhibition: Increasing subjective arousal, using multiple stimulation, and identifying "orgasm triggers."
• Female Dysfunctions: Increasing awareness of arousal patterns, making specific requests, and experimenting with various stimulation techniques.
• Vaginismus/Painful Intercourse: Medical assessment, desensitization techniques, and active partner support.

This team approach fosters comfort, confidence, and a broad-based, flexible sexual style that can overcome specific dysfunctions and rekindle desire.

4. Nurture Anticipation: Build Bridges to Desire

Anticipation is the central ingredient in sexual desire.

Desire's fuel. Sexual desire isn't a fixed trait; it's a complex interplay of factors that can be actively nurtured and strengthened. Positive anticipation is the core component of desire, making sex inviting rather than a source of pressure or obligation. Building "bridges to desire" means creating ways of thinking, planning, and experiencing sexual encounters that foster this anticipation.

Intentional connection. While spontaneous romance is cherished, relying solely on it is limiting for married couples navigating jobs and children. "Intentional, planned sexual dates" are powerful tools for building anticipation. These aren't rigid obligations but opportunities to look forward to shared pleasure, much like anticipating a special event.

Expand your repertoire. To keep anticipation alive, move beyond routine or mediocre sex. This involves:

• Making requests: Clearly communicating desires and special turn-ons enhances sexual quality and involvement.
• Erotic scenarios: Experimenting with creative settings, fantasies, and techniques adds excitement and adventure.
• Owning your sexuality: Taking personal responsibility for your pleasure, exploring masturbation, and accepting your sexual past builds self-esteem and confidence.
• Valuing pleasure: Shifting from a performance-oriented mindset to a pleasure-oriented one ensures that sex is enjoyable for its own sake, not just as a goal to be achieved.

By actively nurturing anticipation through varied bridges, couples can maintain a robust and vital sexual desire that enriches their relationship.

5. Enhance Intimacy: The Foundation of Sexual Connection

The integration of emotional and sexual intimacy makes marriage special.

Intimacy's dual role. Intimacy, encompassing both emotional and sexual dimensions, is a major driving force in marriage and a critical bridge for sexual desire. It's not limited to sex but involves feeling emotionally close, connected, and valued. While sexual intimacy reinforces emotional bonds, emotional intimacy often sets the stage for sexual desire, especially for women.

Emotional depth. Mature emotional intimacy goes beyond initial romantic love, which is often fleeting. It involves:

• Caring and validation: Feeling genuinely cared for and having your feelings respected.
• Shared vulnerability: Openly discussing hopes, fears, weaknesses, and disappointments, not just strengths.
• Trust and respect: The bedrock of any intimate relationship, allowing for honest communication without fear of judgment or manipulation.
• Balance: Maintaining a healthy equilibrium between individual autonomy and couple closeness, avoiding extremes of isolation or enmeshment.

Sexual closeness. Sexual intimacy is about openness and comfort in sharing your body and erotic feelings. It's more than just functional sex; it's about:

• Shared pleasure: Both partners actively giving and receiving pleasure-oriented touching.
• Nondemand approach: Touching as a request, not a demand, respecting each other's autonomy and preferences. Intimate coercion, where sex is demanded under threat, poisons desire.
• Beyond intercourse: Recognizing that sexual intimacy includes affection, sensuality, playfulness, and eroticism, not just intercourse.

Intimacy dates, whether planned or spontaneous, at home or out, are vital for consistently nurturing this emotional and sexual connection. They provide dedicated time to share feelings, touch, and reinforce the marital bond, which in turn fuels sexual desire.

6. Embrace Nondemand Pleasuring: Touch for Pleasure, Not Performance

The essence of sexuality is giving and receiving pleasure-oriented touching.

Core of connection. Nondemand pleasuring is the bedrock of a vital marital sexuality, emphasizing touch for its inherent pleasure rather than as a means to an end. It encompasses affectionate, sensual, playful, and erotic touching, occurring both inside and outside the bedroom, without the pressure for it to always culminate in intercourse or orgasm. This approach directly challenges the rigid "sex equals intercourse" mindset that often plagues low-sex marriages.

Requests, not demands. A fundamental principle of nondemand pleasuring is that all touching is a request, never a demand. This fosters trust and respect, allowing both partners the freedom to enthusiastically accept, decline, or suggest alternatives without fear of negative consequences. Intimate coercion, which uses pressure or threats, is a poison that destroys desire and intimacy.

Breaking the cycle. For couples stuck in a cycle of sexual avoidance, nondemand pleasuring offers a safe entry point. A temporary prohibition on orgasm and intercourse can reduce performance anxiety, allowing partners to rediscover the simple joys of touch, sensation, and sensuality. This process helps couples:

• Enhance communication: Openly discuss what feels good and what they desire.
• Rebuild comfort: Become reacquainted with each other's bodies without pressure.
• Expand repertoire: Explore a range of "touching gears," from affectionate hugs to playful genital stimulation, recognizing that not every interaction needs to reach "fifth gear" (intercourse).

By valuing pleasuring for its own sake, couples can rebuild physical connection, reduce anxiety, and create a flexible, pleasure-oriented sexual style that naturally revitalizes desire.

7. Challenge Inhibitions: Free Your Sexual Self

"Inhibited sexual desire" means this natural process is blocked.

Unlocking desire. Inhibitions, whether emotional or sexual, act as roadblocks that prevent the natural flow of desire, arousal, orgasm, and satisfaction. Challenging these inhibitions is crucial for freeing your sexual self and revitalizing your marital bond. This process begins with honest self-assessment and disclosure, moving away from guilt and blame.

Types of inhibitions:

• Emotional: Fear of intimacy, unresolved anger, poor communication, lack of couple time, job stress, family-of-origin issues, depression, or anxiety.
• Sexual: Anticipatory or performance anxiety, guilt/shame from past experiences, poor body image, embarrassment about nudity, or discomfort with specific sexual acts.

Strategies for change. Overcoming inhibitions is a gradual, step-by-step process that requires commitment and support:

• Confront denial: Acknowledge how inhibitions interfere with intimacy.
• Self-disclosure: Share vulnerabilities with your spouse or a trusted professional.
• Set realistic goals: Decide whether to overcome, reduce, or accept an inhibition. Not everything is "curable," but its negative impact can be lessened.
• Gradual exposure: Engage in comfortable alternatives, slowly expanding your comfort zone. For example, if uncomfortable with genital stimulation, start with gentle, non-genital touch and gradually introduce more intimate contact.
• Team effort: Take personal responsibility for your inhibitions, but enlist your spouse as an empathic supporter, not a critic.
• Relapse prevention: Anticipate setbacks and have coping strategies ready to prevent a temporary lapse from becoming a full regression.

By actively challenging inhibitions, you not only enhance your sexual life but also strengthen your overall psychological well-being and marital satisfaction, fostering a sense of pride as a "survivor, not a victim."

8. Create Erotic Scenarios: Keep Marital Sex Special and Exciting

Arousing, erotic sex can and does exist in the context of a marital bond.

Beyond routine. While intimacy and nondemand pleasuring form the bedrock of a healthy sexual relationship, erotic scenarios and techniques are the crucial ingredients for igniting arousal and orgasm. Eroticism isn't exclusive to new or illicit relationships; it can and should be a vibrant part of marriage, combating the "death knell" of routine and mechanical sex.

Eroticism's essence. Eroticism is enhanced by spontaneity, playfulness, and experimentation, stemming from:

• Awareness: Tuning into your own and your partner's feelings, thoughts, and fantasies.
• Dynamic interaction: Engaging in touching, teasing, and seductiveness that builds mutual arousal.
• Openness: Willingness to experiment with diverse scenarios and techniques.

Creative exploration. Couples can create eroticism through:

• Planned sexual dates: Setting aside dedicated time for special encounters, whether at home or in a new environment (e.g., a hotel, a camping trip).
• Multiple stimulation: Integrating various forms of touch (manual, oral, vibrator) during both pleasuring and intercourse.
• Fantasy sharing: While most fantasies are best kept private, selectively sharing or playing out mutually comfortable fantasies can heighten arousal.
• Sensory enhancements: Using candles, music, lotions, or specific clothing to set a mood.
• Varied positions: Experimenting with different intercourse positions to increase pleasure and novelty.

The goal is not to achieve Hollywood-level perfection, but to foster a sense of adventure and shared pleasure. Realistic expectations acknowledge that not every erotic scenario will be a "fabulous" success, but the anticipation and willingness to play are what keep desire alive.

9. Prevent Relapse: Maintain a Vital Sexual Bond Actively

Maintaining and generalizing healthy marital sexuality are crucial.

Sustaining gains. Breaking the cycle of inhibited desire is a significant achievement, but maintaining these gains requires ongoing effort. Marital sexuality cannot be taken for granted; it needs consistent time, energy, and communication to prevent a relapse into old patterns of avoidance and low desire.

Lapse vs. relapse. It's unrealistic to expect every sexual encounter to be perfect. Occasional "lapses"—mediocre, unsatisfying, or dysfunctional experiences—are normal. The key is to treat these as learning opportunities, not causes for panic or blame. A lapse becomes a "relapse" when it leads to a regression to old, self-defeating patterns of thinking, behaving, and feeling.

Proactive strategies. To prevent relapse, couples should actively implement a comprehensive plan:

• Regular check-ins: Continue dedicated couple time for serious communication about the relationship.
• Nondemand pleasuring: Schedule regular sessions (monthly or bi-monthly) to reinforce sensuality and playfulness without performance pressure.
• Realistic expectations: Accept the inherent variability and flexibility of sexual experiences; not every encounter will be equally desirous or orgasmic.
• Expand repertoire: Continuously explore and integrate new ways to connect emotionally and sexually, including diverse forms of touch, erotic scenarios, and intercourse variations.
• Cope with setbacks: When a lapse occurs, acknowledge it, problem-solve, and reconnect quickly through sensual or erotic alternatives, rather than withdrawing.
• Intimacy dates: Prioritize planned and spontaneous dates to nurture emotional closeness, which serves as a powerful bridge to sexual desire.

By adopting a broad-based, resilient sexual style and remaining an "intimate team" committed to mutual pleasure and connection, couples can confidently navigate challenges and ensure their sexual bond remains vital and energizing throughout their marriage.

Last updated: January 2, 2026