The Gap and The Gain

1. Happiness is an expanding starting point, not a distant pursuit.

Happiness is your starting point, and you’ve expanded the center by achieving the goal. So, it’s a constant outward expansion of happiness.

Flawed pursuit. Thomas Jefferson's phrase "the pursuit of Happiness" in the Declaration of Independence inadvertently framed happiness as an unattainable ideal, always ahead and around the corner, never in the present. This mindset, pervasive in Western culture, leads to constant dissatisfaction, even after significant achievements. Only 14% of American adults report being very happy, highlighting this cultural challenge.

Hedonic treadmill. When happiness is tied to future achievements, the present is diminished, leading to a state of perpetual unfulfillment known as hedonic adaptation or the "hedonic treadmill." No matter how great an achievement, the thrill wears off, and individuals revert to feeling "normal" and seeking the next thing. This endless race to nowhere prevents appreciation of current accomplishments.

The GAIN's antidote. The "GAIN" mindset offers an immediate antidote by shifting focus from future ideals to past progress. By measuring backward—appreciating what you've already accomplished from your starting point—you cultivate present happiness, confidence, and success. This internal shift transforms every experience into a positive, fostering a virtuous cycle of fulfillment and growth.

2. Embrace "wants" for freedom, avoid the attachment of "needs."

The difference between the two words ‘need’ and ‘want’ is gargantuan.

Obsessive vs. harmonious passion. Being in the GAP often stems from an unhealthy "need" for external validation or achievement, leading to obsessive passion. This desperation makes happiness dependent on external, unreachable targets, fostering codependency and internal pain. Conversely, the GAIN is driven by healthy, chosen "wants," reflecting harmonious passion that is intrinsically motivated and enhances other life aspects.

Internal motivation. When you "need" something, you lose independence and agency, becoming reactive to external circumstances. Trevor Lawrence, the NFL quarterback, exemplified this by stating he "loved" football and was committed to winning, but didn't "need" it to feel worthy. This healthy detachment, counterintuitively, enables higher performance and flow states, as focus shifts from outcome obsession to joyful engagement.

Freedom from attachment. By letting go of the "need" to win or achieve, you gain true freedom. Dan Jansen, the Olympic speed skater, won his only gold medal when he shifted from needing to win to wanting to express gratitude for his life and sport. This internal shift, appreciating his "GAINS" before the race, allowed him to perform at his peak, demonstrating that happiness is where you start, not where you finish.

3. Define your own success criteria to become self-determined.

Define success on your own terms, achieve it by your own rules, and build a life you’re proud to live.

External reference points. Society, particularly through public education and social media, trains individuals to measure success against external reference points like test scores, wealth, or social media likes. This constant comparison to others or unreachable ideals places individuals in the GAP, fostering a desperate, failing race to "measure up" and hindering self-determination. Social media, in particular, is designed to manipulate desires and behaviors, making users "the product" by subtly changing their thoughts and actions.

Internal compass. To escape this external trap, one must become self-determined by establishing internal reference points for success. This means choosing what success means to you, independent of others' opinions or societal pressures. Entrepreneur Dean Jackson's "I know I'm being successful when..." list, with criteria like "My passive revenue exceeds my lifestyle needs" or "I can live anywhere in the world I choose," exemplifies this personalized approach.

Filtering decisions. Creating personal "success criteria" acts as a powerful filter for decisions, allowing you to say "no" to opportunities that don't align with your self-defined success. The British rowing team's "Will it make the boat go faster?" filter, which led them to Olympic gold, illustrates how a clear, self-determined criterion can drive focused action and accelerate progress. This internal compass fosters quiet confidence and allows you to run your own race.

4. The GAP and GAIN profoundly compound your well-being.

The way you mentally filter experiences shapes your emotional and physical response to those experiences.

Toxic stress. Spending extended periods in the GAP—unhappy, resentful, regretful—creates a negative compound effect on your physical and emotional health. Each GAP experience acts as a microtrauma, leading to toxic stress that overwhelms your system, shortens your lifespan, and increases susceptibility to illness. Research shows pessimistic people live significantly shorter lives and get sick more easily.

Positive longevity. Conversely, being in the GAIN is restorative and empowering, creating a positive compound effect. A longitudinal study of Catholic nuns found that those with overtly joyful journal entries at age 20 lived nearly 10 years longer than their less happy counterparts. This isn't about avoiding problems, but about how you frame them.

Perception shapes biology. Your interpretation of events literally affects how your body metabolizes experiences. Studies show that believing your work is "good exercise" can lead to objective health improvements (weight, blood pressure), and believing a milkshake is "indulgent" or "sensible" affects ghrelin levels and feelings of fullness, even if the milkshake is identical. The GAIN mindset allows you to frame challenging experiences positively, making you more resilient and healthier.

5. Always measure backward to appreciate your progress.

You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards.

Forgetting GAINS. The human brain is wired for automaticity, quickly adapting to a "new normal" and forgetting past struggles and achievements. This "inattentional blindness" means we often miss the significant progress we've made, leading to burnout and a loss of hope. Without conscious effort, our memories are reconstructed based on our present views, making it easy to undervalue our past selves.

Power of reflection. Regularly measuring backward—comparing your current self to where you were before—is crucial to counteract this tendency. Journaling, annual reviews, or simply reflecting on past milestones can reveal how far you've come, boosting confidence and motivation. Jill Bishop, a physical therapist, uses annual reports to remind parents of disabled children of their child's forgotten progress, reigniting hope and motivation.

The "Always Measure Backward" rule. Many high achievers feel like failures because they measure themselves against ever-moving ideals rather than their starting points. Strategic Coach clients, despite earning high incomes, often don't feel successful until they're taught to "Always Measure Backward." This shift allows them to see their entire life as a GAIN, appreciating their team, spouse, and kids against their past, not against an impossible ideal.

6. Cultivate daily momentum by measuring three wins.

Never begin the day until it is finished on paper.

The "sweet spot" hour. The hour before bedtime is the highest-leverage hour of your day, profoundly impacting sleep quality, next-day productivity, and overall well-being. What you do during this time is coded into long-term memory and directs your subconscious. Unfortunately, most people waste this "sweet spot" on reactive behaviors like smartphone scrolling, compromising their next 24 hours.

Proactive day architecture. To maximize this hour, unplug from screens 30-60 minutes before bed. Instead, engage in a simple, powerful routine:

• Write down three specific "wins" from your day. This boosts gratitude and confidence, retraining your brain to see GAINS.
• Write down three important "wins" you aim to accomplish the next day. This primes your subconscious for creativity and purpose, ensuring you wake up proactive, not reactive.

Compounding daily wins. This daily practice, known as "WinStreak," creates a continuous cycle of momentum and confidence. Regardless of setbacks, you end each day feeling successful and start the next with clear direction. As you consistently measure your wins, your ability to identify and create more GAINS expands, leading to an upward spiral of self-efficacy and happiness.

7. Transform every experience, even setbacks, into a GAIN.

Life is simple. Everything happens for you, not to you.

Proactive ownership. Being in the GAIN means proactively taking ownership of your experiences, deciding what they mean, and utilizing them to improve your future. This contrasts with the GAP, where you react to events, feel like a powerless victim, and wish negative things hadn't happened. Howard Getson, who lost $2 million in a day during the 2008 financial crisis, transformed his loss into a GAIN by rethinking his investment strategy and developing AI-driven systems.

Psychological flexibility. The GAIN fosters psychological flexibility, allowing you to manage emotions and move toward goals even amidst setbacks. This flexibility is linked to lower anxiety and depression, better performance, and a higher quality of life. It involves "pathways thinking"—the ability to find or create multiple workable paths to an outcome, turning obstacles into opportunities for adaptation and growth.

The Experience Transformer. Dan Sullivan's "Experience Transformer" tool helps extract maximum value from any experience. By asking questions like "What worked?", "What can I learn?", and "What am I grateful for?", you convert negative situations into lessons, innovations, and breakthroughs. This deliberate rumination transforms past traumas into post-traumatic growth, making you antifragile—not just resilient, but better because of the challenges.

8. Use the GAP/GAIN language to reshape perception and relationships.

Language is very powerful. Language does not just describe reality. Language creates the reality it describes.

Shifting internal dialogue. The language we use profoundly shapes our reality. By adopting the GAP and GAIN terminology, you gain a powerful tool to identify and immediately shift your mindset. When you catch yourself in the GAP—complaining about a small cookie piece or a messy garage—you can consciously call yourself out and reframe the situation as a GAIN. This practice retrains your brain to focus on progress and gratitude.

Transforming relationships. Applying GAP/GAIN language extends beyond self-perception to interpersonal relationships. When you're in the GAP about someone, you only see their flaws and where they fall short of your ideals, causing psychological damage. By consciously focusing on their GAINS and progress, you become their biggest fan and supporter. Colleen Bowler, a successful entrepreneur, realized her unhappiness stemmed from measuring herself against others, and her son's feedback helped her shift to appreciating her own and her team's GAINS, improving everyone's happiness.

Empowering others. Share the GAP/GAIN concept with loved ones and give them permission to call you out. This creates a supportive environment where everyone can help each other stay in the GAIN. By actively seeking and vocalizing others' progress, you empower them, fostering a culture of appreciation and growth. This collective shift in perspective strengthens bonds and creates a more positive shared reality.

9. Play the long game by loving where you are "here and now."

Playing a longer game allows you to embrace being 'here.'

Escaping the "here wanting to be there" trap. Many high achievers are perpetually "here" but wishing they were "there"—always striving for the next achievement, never fully appreciating their current life. This mindset, driven by unresolved needs, leads to a desperate, short-term focus that prevents deep satisfaction. Embracing the "long game" means being completely happy and present "here," even while having ambitious goals.

Freedom from external validation. When you play the long game, you free yourself from the need to rush to the "next place" to fill an internal void. You define your own course, stop worrying about external opinions, and no longer measure yourself against others' standards. This self-determined approach allows you to love your current life, your work, and your journey, fostering genuine happiness and confidence.

Unstoppable expansion. By being fully "here" and appreciating your GAINS, you create a powerful foundation for future growth. You realize you're already whole and complete, making it easier to pursue what you truly want without unhealthy attachments. This perspective leads to a continual upward spiral, where every step forward makes you wiser and more capable, and your clarity of purpose crystallizes, enabling faster and more meaningful achievements.

Last updated: January 10, 2026