Unlearning Silence

1. Silence is a Learned Survival Strategy with Deep Costs

Silence is what I’ve learned, internalized, and, at many times in life, been rewarded for.

Learned behavior. We are not born silent; we learn it through individual experiences, societal structures, social interactions, and internalized beliefs. From being shushed as children to observing the consequences of speaking out, we develop reflexive habits around silence. This learning shapes our unique relationship with silence, often leading us to believe our thoughts and preferences don't matter.

Pervasive influence. This learned silence manifests in various ways:

• Individual: Suppressing emotions or needs based on family dynamics (e.g., avoiding a grandparent's wrath).
• Structural: Conforming to school or workplace rules that reward obedience over critical thinking (e.g., not questioning unrealistic deadlines).
• Social: Staying quiet due to fear of ostracization or blame, as seen in responses to sexual violence or "snitches get stitches" mentality.
• Intrapersonal: Internalizing cultural norms (e.g., "don't talk back," "respect your elders") that lead to self-censorship.

Profound problems. The pervasive influence of silence leads to significant negative consequences. It fosters self-doubt, making us question our instincts and worth. It infringes on dignity by forcing us to edit parts of ourselves, erasing our sense of selfhood. Silence dulls our critical thinking, exacerbates existing suffering by promoting isolation, and distorts our perception of reality by creating echo chambers. Ultimately, silence breeds more silence, perpetuating harmful cycles.

2. Strategic Silence Can Be Necessary, But Agency is Key

Whether silence is additive or oppressive depends on whether it is silence you chose or that is chosen for you.

Calculated choice. Unlearning silence doesn't mean always speaking up; it means making conscious choices about when to be silent. We intuitively weigh the costs of speaking versus the benefits of staying silent. These calculations are influenced by:

• Costs of voice: Engaging the unknown, navigating others' rules, or losing control over outcomes.
• Benefits of silence: Survival, protecting energy, or self-care in overwhelming situations.

Survival mechanism. For many, especially those with marginalized identities, silence is a necessary survival strategy. It allows us to avoid retaliation, preserve relationships, or maintain our livelihood. For instance, an immigrant might stay silent about their status to avoid deportation, or an employee might withhold concerns to keep their job. This self-preservation is about maintaining baseline sanity and dignity in challenging environments.

Empowering agency. The critical distinction lies in agency—the feeling of control over our actions and consequences. When we choose silence, it can be a powerful act of self-preservation or strategic maneuvering. However, when silence is imposed upon us, it becomes oppressive. Recognizing our power to choose, even in small ways, transforms silence from a burden into a tool, allowing us to decide when and where to invest our voice.

3. We Unintentionally Silence Ourselves Through Internalized Patterns

If we don’t stop and challenge the assumptions, we perpetuate the ways that they silence us.

Invisible forces. We often silence ourselves without realizing it, driven by deeply ingrained assumptions and habits. These "double-loop learning" challenges mean we don't just react to outcomes, but question the underlying beliefs that shape our decisions. Common self-silencing patterns include:

• Assuming our voice doesn't matter: Believing only experts should speak or that speaking up won't help.
• Over-focusing on others' expectations: Prioritizing external validation over our own needs and desires.

Peer pressure & conformity. We give in to peer pressure, adopting others' advice even when it conflicts with our values, as seen when a baker compromises on fair wages to fit industry norms. We also value sameness over uniqueness, unconsciously mimicking others to be liked or accepted, which dulls our authentic expression. This mimicry, while sometimes beneficial for social integration, can lead us to believe our worth is tied to conformity, not individuality.

Self-censorship & mitigation. We self-censor, withholding our true opinions for fear of being overbearing or causing conflict. This often stems from anticipating negative reactions, even if those reactions are not guaranteed. Additionally, we mitigate our speech, sugarcoating or downplaying our messages, making it harder for others to understand our true needs. This can lead to frustration when others don't "read our minds," highlighting the gap between our intent and our actual communication.

4. We Also Unintentionally Silence Others, Often Unaware of Our Impact

You can be a good person and still have someone in your life feel unseen, unknown, unheard, and undervalued by you.

Unintended consequences. Despite good intentions, we frequently silence others. Our brains often deprioritize memories where we've caused harm, maintaining a positive self-image. This unawareness prevents us from recognizing how our actions, or inactions, contribute to others' silence. We might believe we're supportive, yet our behavior can make others feel unheard or undervalued.

Common silencing patterns:

• Underestimating the challenge: Assuming it's easy for others to speak up, especially if we don't struggle with it ourselves. This lack of empathy prevents us from creating supportive environments.
• False openness: Pretending to want input when we don't, leading to confusion and eroding trust. If we ask for suggestions but never act on them, people learn their voice is futile.
• Controlling the narrative: Speaking on behalf of others or editing their stories without consent, which diminishes their agency and unique perspective.

Flawed reflexes & self-focus. Our reliance on reactive decision-making, fueled by technological hyperconnectivity, often leads to thoughtless responses that shut others down. We also tend to focus on our own reactions and preferences, inadvertently silencing others by:

• Ignoring timing/mediums: Scheduling meetings at inconvenient times or using communication methods that don't suit everyone's processing styles.
• Switchtracking: Changing the topic to our own feelings when someone shares a concern, diverting from their original message.
• Disbelief: Doubting others' experiences, especially those with subordinated identities, which makes them question themselves and discourages future sharing.

5. Finding Your Authentic Voice Requires Awareness and Experimentation

Your voice might be dormant. It might have gotten weaker from disuse and feel like it has atrophied, hidden beneath layers of expectation, propriety, and responsibility. But it’s there, and we’ll find it.

Cultivate awareness. The journey to finding your voice begins with recognizing its inherent worth. Despite messages that diminish us, each person possesses a unique perspective, feelings, and way of influencing the world. It's crucial to:

• Affirm your worth: Understand that no one else can be you, and your unique contributions matter.
• Navigate external influence: Acknowledge that others will try to shape your voice, but you decide what input to accept.
• Accept judgment: Recognize that judgment, both from others and yourself, is normal and doesn't negate your right to speak.

Interrogate your voice. To truly own your voice, you must regularly challenge your own thinking and grant yourself permission to be authentic. This involves:

• Questioning beliefs: Actively asking "What do I actually think?" regardless of external opinions, and examining if your values align with your actions.
• Self-permission: Giving yourself the authority to be the person you want to be, rather than waiting for external validation. This shifts the locus of control from others to yourself.

Experiment with voice. Translating ideals into action requires experimentation. Start with small, calculated risks in low-stakes environments.

• Small steps: Begin with minor acts of voice (e.g., asking a taxi driver to open a window).
• Time-bound trials: Set a limited duration for experiments (e.g., three weeks) to reduce perceived risk.
• Embrace discomfort: Acknowledge that trying new behaviors will feel awkward, but discomfort is a natural part of growth and learning.

6. Effectively Using Your Voice Involves Substance, Relationship, and Process

Substance, process, and relationship can serve as a mental model for using our voices, especially when we question what we have to add.

Three levers. Every interaction involves three dimensions: substance (what), relationship (who), and process (how). Mastering these levers allows for impactful communication, even when you don't feel like an expert on the topic. They provide a framework for strategic engagement.

Substance: Your domain and perspective. Even if you're not the primary expert, you have valuable contributions.

• Own your domain: Identify what aspects of the topic you are an expert on (e.g., your own needs, project risks).
• Name your perspective: Articulate the unique lens you bring (e.g., "As a digital native...", "From an immigrant perspective..."). This legitimizes your input and helps others see new angles.

Relationship: Disrupting bias and cultivating emotional culture. How people feel treated is crucial.

• Disrupt bias: Use your voice to challenge biased interpretations of emotions or unfair comments, creating a more respectful environment.
• Cultivate emotional culture: Express your own emotions and normalize the expression of others' feelings, fostering psychological safety and deeper connection. This means acknowledging that emotions are valid data.

Process: Designing intentional interactions. The "how" of communication significantly impacts voice.

• Intentional design: Structure meetings or conversations to support all voices (e.g., mandatory introvert time, clear agendas).
• Suggest supportive moves: Advocate for communication mediums or rhythms that play to your strengths (e.g., asking for questions in advance if you're a post-processor).
• Explicit norms: Make unspoken rules clear (e.g., "Is negotiation allowed?").
• Standard questions: Use complementary questions ("What works? What doesn't?") to depersonalize feedback and invite diverse views.
• Procedural justice: Ensure the process of decision-making is fair, even if the outcome isn't ideal for everyone, to maintain trust.

7. Speak Up Effectively by Anchoring Your Message with Clarity and Resilience

Why would we put ourselves through the gauntlet of calculations, risks, and possible consequences of speaking up if there wasn’t something—a why—that mattered more to us than the risk and discomfort?

Start with why. Before speaking, clarify your core motivation. This "bigger why" (e.g., dignity, justice, love, career advancement) provides the emotional context and conviction needed to overcome discomfort and risk. It anchors your message and helps you stay focused when faced with challenges.

Connect the dots. People have different information and perspectives. Help others understand your viewpoint by logically linking your observations to their potential impact. This involves:

• Sharing your reasoning: Explain the connections you see, helping them grasp the meaning you're making.
• Highlighting unintended consequences: Show how current actions might lead to undesirable outcomes they haven't considered. This fosters understanding rather than blame.

Make the ask clear. Don't assume others will intuit what you need or want. Explicitly state your request to avoid miscommunication and frustration.

• Define your role: Specify if you want them to listen, offer advice, or collaborate on a solution.
• Be precise: Clearly articulate the desired action or outcome (e.g., "Could we agree that cleaning the toilet means both inside and out?"). This empowers them to respond effectively.

Embrace resistance. Expect and accept that others will have reactions, even negative ones. Resistance is a normal part of engagement and contains valuable information.

• Information, not rejection: View criticism as data that can refine your idea or approach.
• Leverage BATNA: Strengthen your "Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement" to reduce dependence on others' compliance, giving you more leverage and confidence. This resilience helps you stay the course.

8. Stop Silencing Others by Actively Listening and Centering Their Experience

Unless we can create spaces where people are confident their contributions are valued, we are inclining people toward silence rather than voice.

Listen across difference. True listening goes beyond hearing words; it's about understanding the speaker's intent, especially when their perspective differs from yours. Most people self-identify as good listeners, yet often miss crucial information.

• Check motivation: Listen to understand, not to rebut or defend.
• Acknowledge validity: Recognize that others' experiences and observations are valid, even if you don't agree. This fosters psychological safety.
• Inquire with curiosity: Ask clarifying questions to delve deeper into their concerns, rather than dismissing them.

Clear preconceived notions. Our assumptions about people, based on stereotypes or limited information, can inadvertently silence them.

• See individuals: Challenge biases and stereotypes by viewing people as unique individuals, not just representatives of their identity groups.
• Seek understanding: Be curious about their lived experiences, which can shed new light on situations and dismantle harmful assumptions. This helps create a more inclusive environment.

Center their interests and agency. When advocating for others, ensure your actions truly serve their needs and preferences, not just your own good intentions.

• Ask first: Before acting on someone's behalf, ask if they want your involvement and how you can best support them.
• Respect their journey: Recognize that individuals are on their own path of finding their voice; don't assume you know what's best for them. This empowers their agency.

Normalize different styles. There's no single "gold standard" for communication. Valuing only one style (e.g., in-person, articulate, quick) silences those who communicate differently.

• Recognize defaults: Understand your preferred communication styles and how they might disadvantage others.
• Articulate norms: Explicitly state that diverse communication styles are welcome (e.g., "Emotions are welcome; we're humans, not robots").
• Endorse others: Publicly support and amplify voices that might otherwise be overlooked, using your social capital to ensure they are heard.

9. Systemic Change is Essential, and Everyone Holds Power to Drive It

Systems are what reinforce our inclination toward voice or silence. Unlearning silence requires understanding the patterns of silence in the systems we’re part of and figuring out how we can change them to better support voice.

Policies and practices. Systems, whether family, organizational, or societal, are shaped by policies (formal rules) and practices (how rules actually play out). These elements either elevate or silence certain voices. Changing systems requires addressing both.

• Policy audit: Examine policies (e.g., NDAs, hiring requirements, parental leave) to see who they protect and whose voices they silence.
• Practice alignment: Ensure that stated values (e.g., "No one runs alone") are reflected in actual behavior, not just empty promises.

Make implicit rules explicit. Ambiguity in rules disproportionately silences those not "in the know." Making rules explicit (e.g., "negotiation is permitted," clear salary ranges) democratizes information and reduces the burden on individuals to navigate unspoken norms. This transparency helps level the playing field.

Create clear avenues for speaking up. It's hard enough to voice concerns; having to figure out how and where to do so adds another barrier.

• Structured pathways: Implement clear processes for feedback or reporting (e.g., anonymous apps, designated contacts).
• Reduce friction: Provide tools or language to make it easier to articulate difficult issues. This ensures concerns don't just "go into the void."

Unlearning silence as a competency. For organizations serious about fostering innovation, diversity, and belonging, supporting voice must be a core leadership competency.

• Reward desired behaviors: Promote leaders who demonstrate psychological safety, listen across differences, and actively amplify others' voices.
• Integrate into development: Make these skills prerequisites for advancement, signaling their importance beyond "soft skills."

Embrace your power. Even if you feel like a "cog in a wheel," everyone holds various forms of power (legitimate, reward, expert, referent, coercive, information).

• Identify your power: Recognize the influence you possess in different contexts.
• Use it for good: Leverage your power to challenge policies, advocate for change, and support marginalized voices.

Choose voice & form coalitions. Individual acts of voice can inspire others and normalize difficult conversations (e.g., mental health). Systemic change, however, requires collective action.

• Share your story: When possible, speak up to make invisible issues visible and encourage others to share their "me too" moments.
• Build alliances: Form coalitions with others who share your concerns. "Strength in Numbers" amplifies impact, reduces isolation, and helps overcome the "tokenization" threshold.

Attribute work accurately & direct your dollars. Systemic silence often manifests in misattribution of work and economic exclusion.

• Give credit: Publicly acknowledge contributions, especially from those with subordinated identities, to counter co-option and invisible labor.
• Conscious spending: Use your purchasing power to support businesses, projects, and communities that align with your values, influencing what gets made and whose voices are heard.

Last updated: November 19, 2025