I Never Thought of It That Way

1. Our Divides Are Deeply Ingrained: Sorting, Othering, Siloing (SOS)

To put it as plainly as I can, sorting, othering, and siloing are steering us away from reality.

Natural human patterns. We are inherently social creatures, and our tendency to divide ourselves into like-minded groups, push away those who are different, and reinforce our own narratives is a fundamental aspect of human nature. These three patterns—sorting, othering, and siloing—offer comfort and certainty in uncertain times, but they also blind us to the full picture of our world.

The SOS mechanisms:

• Sorting: We gravitate towards people who are like us, leading to demographic and political segregation (e.g., "landslide counties" where one party dominates, social media algorithms reinforcing our preferences). This makes politics deeply personal, as our identities become intertwined with our political affiliations.
• Othering: We define ourselves by pushing against those we perceive as different or opposed to us, often leading to dehumanization. Studies like the Robbers Cave experiment and Tajfel's minimal group paradigm show how easily we discriminate against "out-groups," even based on trivial differences.
• Siloing: We sink deeper into our self-created echo chambers, where our beliefs intensify, and our attention is manipulated by platforms designed to keep us engaged. This constant reinforcement makes it harder to hear anything else, distorting our perceptions of the "other side."

Warped perceptions. These ingrained patterns lead us to believe exaggerated fictions about what the "other side" thinks and feels. Research shows significant "perception gaps" where we overestimate ideological divisions and misjudge the hostility directed at us. This collective blindness prevents genuine understanding and fuels animosity, making it seem like we live in entirely different realities.

2. "I Never Thought of It That Way" Moments Are Your Compass

Catch yourself thinking or saying it, and it’s the clearest sign you get that a new insight has spanned the distance between someone else’s perspective and your own.

The signal of insight. An "I never thought of it that way" (INTOIT) moment is a powerful, personal signal that your perspective has expanded. It's a mental reflex, a sudden lightness, or a new sense of space in your mind, indicating that a new idea has collided with your existing beliefs and opened up fresh possibilities. These moments can either strengthen your current ideas or, more surprisingly, challenge them.

Expanding your "ken." These insights occur when you look beyond your "ken"—the limits of your current knowledge and understanding. Like the author realizing the "aural beauty" of Seattle rain after a local's perspective, or her mother's shift on same-sex marriage after witnessing a tender moment, INTOIT moments reveal that you can't truly know what you haven't experienced or been close to. They are not predictable; they are discoveries.

Breaking rigid thinking. INTOIT moments are crucial for breaking down the rigid thinking fostered by our silos. They force us to question our assumptions and embrace uncertainty, preventing premature "cognitive closure." By actively seeking these moments, we keep our minds open, allowing us to see the world and its people more clearly, beyond the caricatures and easy answers.

3. Cultivate Curiosity to Bridge Divides

Curiosity is big and it is badass. At its weakest, it keeps our minds open so they don’t shrink. At its strongest, it whips us into a frenzy of unstoppable learning.

An active, powerful virtue. Curiosity is not a passive state; it's a fierce drive to understand, an antidote to the blinding effects of sorting, othering, and siloing. To direct this "brawny beast" effectively, we must actively cultivate it, priming our minds to seek out what we're missing rather than passively waiting for inspiration.

Four steps to channeling curiosity:

• Mind the gap: Curiosity is sparked when you identify a gap between what you know and what you want to know (information-gap theory). Keep your attention on this mystery, and it will fuel your learning.
• Collect knowledge: You need a baseline of knowledge to ask meaningful questions. The more you know about a topic, the more specific and intense your curiosity becomes.
• Reject easy answers: Resist the temptation of quick, simple explanations that reinforce your existing beliefs. True understanding often lies in complexity, not certainty.
• Embrace complexity: View confusion not as a barrier, but as an invitation to dig deeper. Studies show that engaging with nuanced, complex information makes people more curious and open to continued conversation.

The power of friction. To spark genuine insights, we need friction—interactions with people and ideas outside our comfort zones. This "rubs and polishes our brains against those of others," challenging shared blind spots and leading to a richer, more accurate understanding of the world.

4. Conversation is the Most Powerful Tool for Understanding

Conversation is by far the most powerful tool for understanding people across divides.

Beyond mere talk. While most daily conversations are fleeting, intentional conversations are transformative. They are vulnerable spaces where perspectives meet, push, and bend, building bridges that span the gulfs between us. Unlike passive consumption of information, conversation offers a dynamic, real-time opportunity for mutual learning and connection.

Conversation's two superpowers:

• Self-fueling: Given willing minds and time, conversations generate their own momentum. They reveal knowledge gaps, spark INTOIT moments, and deepen understanding in surprising directions. Trusting this process, rather than adhering to rigid question lists, allows for richer, more authentic exchanges.
• Bonding: Conversations build trust and connection. Even small commonalities, like sharing pet photos, remind us of the human behind the ideas. This camaraderie makes it easier to tackle tough issues, as participants feel safer to lower their guard and be honest.

From ideas to people. Curiosity about ideas naturally evolves into curiosity about people. This shift from "deprivation-based curiosity" (D-curiosity) to "interest-based curiosity" (I-curiosity) transforms the pursuit of knowledge into a bottomless drive to understand the unique human beings around us. When we focus on the person, not just their opinions, conversations become endlessly fascinating and productive.

5. Build Conversational Traction with Five Key Dials

The most important thing about a bridge isn’t that it’s crossed, but that it’s there.

Resilience in dialogue. Productive bridging conversations require "traction"—a combination of reach, grip, and balance that allows them to navigate difficult topics without collapsing. This resilience is built by consciously managing the conditions of the interaction, ensuring it can sustain genuine curiosity and connection.

The five conversational dials:

• Time: Allows for depth, exploration, and the natural development of insights and bonds. Short, rushed interactions rarely yield significant understanding.
• Attention: Requires full, undistracted engagement from all participants. Multitasking or divided focus diminishes the quality and depth of the exchange.
• Parity: Ensures equal status and opportunity for all voices to be heard and contribute. Conversations where one voice dominates or is devalued hinder mutual understanding.
• Containment: Refers to the privacy of the conversation. Public forums (like social media) often turn dialogue into performance, whereas private settings encourage honesty and vulnerability.
• Embodiment: The extent to which non-verbal cues (gestures, facial expressions, tone) are present. In-person interactions offer the fullest embodiment, aiding clarity and connection.

Making smarter choices. By assessing these dials, you can make informed decisions about when and how to engage in bridging conversations. You can also actively "turn up" the dials—e.g., moving a fraught online discussion to a private phone call—to create better conditions for understanding. The Traction LOOP (Listen for, Observe, Offer, Pull) provides practical skills to build and maintain this crucial conversational momentum.

6. Challenge Assumptions, Reason, and Fixed Opinions

People are mysteries, not puzzles. This means we can never be sure about them. But we can always be curious.

Beyond superficial judgments. We often treat people as puzzles to be solved, filling in gaps with assumptions rather than seeking deeper understanding. This leads to the biggest assumption: that we can fully comprehend others from a distance, resulting in misperceptions (e.g., failing the "Trump vs. Biden fridge" quiz). To truly see people, we must acknowledge their inherent mystery and remain perpetually curious.

The limits of reason:

• Insisting on our perspective: Like the blind people and the elephant, we often mistake our partial truth for the whole, leading to unproductive arguments where no one truly listens.
• Intuition drives reason: Our "reasoning mind" (the rider) often serves to justify our "intuitive mind" (the elephant), rather than objectively examining evidence (Jonathan Haidt). This means people usually have coherent, even if "wrong," reasons for their beliefs.
• Online "chaining": Digital spaces encourage us to link mild beliefs to extreme ones (e.g., sadness over looting automatically equals racism), fostering mistrust and flattening the complexity of individual thought.

Flexible opinions. To overcome these obstacles, we must hold our opinions more loosely, valuing truth over the defense of our current beliefs. Strategies like "prying your mind back open" (asking "Can I believe it?" even for challenging ideas) and "checking the links in the chain" help dismantle rigid thinking. This flexibility allows for genuine exploration, transforming debates into opportunities for mutual learning rather than battles for victory.

7. Understand People's Paths: Experiences, Values, and Attachments

The awful thing about life is this: everyone has their reasons.

The "second frequency." To truly understand people, we must tune into their "second frequency"—the stories of their lives, the paths they've walked, and the motivations that shape their perspectives. This goes beyond what they believe to how and why they came to believe it, tapping into something elemental and deeply human.

Elements of a person's path:

• Experiences: Provide context and carry mystery. Sharing personal stories (e.g., the author's mother's shift on same-sex marriage, Jessica's decision not to vote) allows others to "feel" what you felt, fostering empathy and revealing insights that abstract arguments cannot.
• Values: These are what's important to us in life (e.g., Shalom Schwartz's ten basic human values). Disagreements often stem not from an absence of shared values, but from a different prioritization of them (e.g., security vs. universalism in immigration). Asking "What are your concerns?" reveals these underlying values.
• Attachments: These are the loyalties and identities that create expectations about what we should believe (e.g., the author's attachment to the "Latina hardship" narrative, Mellina's conservative lesbian identity). Attachments can make it hard to consider alternative perspectives or even be true to oneself.

Unlocking deeper understanding. Asking "Where are you coming from?" or "What are your concerns?" helps uncover these deeper layers. Recognizing our own attachments and those of others allows for greater self-awareness and freedom in conversation. By embracing the "shaky" nature of beliefs, we create space for new insights to take root and transform our understanding of ourselves and others.

8. Prioritize Honesty: Seek Clarity and Foster Openness

Curiosity is worthless without honesty. If people hold back in conversation, release little, put on a mask, is anyone really learning?

The foundation of connection. Genuine understanding hinges on honesty. If participants in a conversation are not clear about their meaning or open about their true thoughts, the exchange remains superficial, failing to build real traction or connection. Honesty allows us to move beyond mere "being in touch" to truly "being together."

Fostering clarity and openness:

• Clarity:
  • Stay with their meaning: Actively listen until you can accurately summarize their point and they confirm, "Yes, exactly!" (e.g., Peter Meyers' exercise). This shows deep respect and builds trust.
  • Follow-through: Paraphrase and check understanding ("Did I get that right?"). Don't be afraid to interrupt for clarification, as missing meaning quickly erodes traction.
  • Slow down for charged terms: Unpack politically loaded words (e.g., "voter rights/election integrity") to understand the underlying concerns and values, rather than reacting to the label.
• Openness:
  • Show your work: Reveal your thought process ("Let me think out loud for a bit") to invite others to do the same, fostering a collaborative, messy exploration of ideas.
  • Be humble: Avoid lecturing or dominating. Ask for permission to share expertise and acknowledge good points from the "other side."
  • Repair with candor: If a conversation goes awry, "throw a flag" immediately ("That's not right," "I'm not comfortable with this conversation"). This courageous honesty can reset the dynamic and allow for genuine repair.

The CARE check for questions. To ensure questions lead to understanding, not confrontation, use the CARE framework:

• Curious: Driven by a genuine desire to learn, not to make a statement or trap someone.
• Answerable: Can be explored by the person in the moment, without external research.
• Raw: Stripped of assumptions, opinions, or accusations (e.g., Braver Angels' prepared questions).
• Exploring: Invites nuanced answers, rather than pushing towards a specific, predetermined response.

Honest conversations thrive in contained, trusting spaces, allowing people to share their "good and ugly" thoughts without fear of public judgment, leading to deeper, more impactful insights.

9. Embrace the "Convivir": Live Together Through Curiosity

This isn’t the end, folks. It’s just the beginning.

Beyond coexistence. The Spanish word "convivir" means "to live together" in a deeper, more engaged sense than mere coexistence. In a dangerously divided world, it represents the aspiration to navigate our differences with honesty, curiosity, and respect, fostering a society where mutual understanding is prioritized.

A continuous mission. The current state of division is both an SOS and an opportunity. It compels us to confront our complexities and contradictions, pushing us to see each other more fully. The mission is to challenge our own certainties and fears, actively seeking out different perspectives, and asking "What am I missing?" to uncover the truths that lie beyond our silos.

The power of choice. We each have the power to choose curiosity over judgment. This means exploring what makes each view understandable, how people came to believe what they do, and what their concerns are, rather than simply judging why they are wrong. It's about freeing others to share their honest meaning, even when it's complicated or challenging.

Surprise yourself. The journey of reclaiming curiosity is ongoing. Take one step closer to someone who disagrees with you, engage in bridging conversations, and commit to daily "I never thought of it that way" moments. This practice strengthens relationships—with relatives, colleagues, our country, and ourselves—and reveals the profound truth that no one is beyond understanding.

Last updated: January 4, 2026