If I Understood You, Would I Have This Look on My Face?

1. Communication's Core: Empathy and Theory of Mind

Developing empathy and learning to recognize what the other person is thinking are both essential to good communication, and are what this book is about.

The fundamental problem. Misunderstanding is rampant, leading to serious consequences, from patients not following doctor's orders to engineers failing to warn towns about dam risks. The author's own experience with a dentist who severed his frenum, leading to a permanent sneer, highlighted how disengagement from the other person can mess things up. This personal "watershed moment" underscored the critical need for genuine connection.

Head and Heart. Effective communication requires understanding both what another person is feeling (empathy) and what they are thinking (Theory of Mind). Empathy involves reading nonverbal cues like facial expressions and body language, while Theory of Mind is the awareness that others have their own distinct thoughts, different from our own. Children, for instance, don't develop Theory of Mind until around age four or five, initially assuming everyone knows what they know.

Wired for connection. Scientists like Marco Iacoboni have explored mirror neurons as a potential mechanism for empathy, suggesting our brains simulate others' actions and intentions. While the exact neuroscience is debated, the ability to sense another's internal state is undeniable. This dual awareness of "Head and Heart" is the essential key to powerful communication, enabling us to truly connect rather than just make noises at each other.

2. Relating is the "Cake," Not the Icing

“You kids think relating is the icing on the cake,” he said. “It isn’t. It’s the cake.”

Beyond mere listening. The author initially struggled with "relating" as an actor, mistaking it for simply leaning towards the other person. Mike Nichols' profound insight—that relating is "the cake"—revealed its fundamental importance. It means being so acutely aware of the other person that everything about them, from their words to their subtle body language, affects you and shapes your response.

Responsive listening. True listening isn't just waiting for your turn to speak; it's being willing to be changed by the other person. This responsive listening is crucial for genuine dialogue, whether on stage or in life. The author learned this on Scientific American Frontiers, realizing that his initial blunders with a solar panel scientist stemmed from not truly listening with his eyes and feelings, and not letting the scientist's responses guide his questions.

Ignorance as an ally. By embracing his "natural ignorance" and stopping pre-reading scientists' papers, the author found he could ask more authentic, naive questions. This allowed scientists to see exactly what he understood, fostering a dynamic, contagious listening that encouraged them to speak more personally and less technically. This approach helped humanize science for the audience, revealing the scientists' warmth and humor.

3. Improvisation: The Transformative Tool for Connection

The games connected each of us to the other players in a dynamic way. What one player did was immediately sensed and responded to by the other player.

Beyond comedy. While often associated with humor, improvisation, as taught by Viola Spolin and Paul Sills, is a rigorous training in spontaneous connection and responsive listening. It's not about cleverness but about building the ability to tune into another person, engaging in a "dance of ideas and feelings" that goes anywhere it takes you, together. This training transformed the author as both an actor and a person.

Building synchrony. Improv games, like the mirror exercise, teach intense observation and instantaneous synchrony. Participants learn to anticipate each other's movements and even speech, eventually achieving "leaderless sync." Research by Scott Wiltermuth, Chip Heath, and Uri Alon shows that such synchrony, even simple acts like marching or tapping in step, significantly increases:

• Group cohesion
• Cooperation
• Trust
• A sense of similarity

Opening up. Exercises like creating imaginary sculptures, passing invisible objects, or speaking in gibberish force participants to communicate non-verbally and heighten their awareness of others. The "What's the Relationship?" game challenges individuals to convey emotional connections through manner, not words, revealing that communication is often more about how we relate than what we say. This process helps people, even cautious engineers or reserved scientists, open up and connect in unexpected, liberating ways.

4. The Communicator's Responsibility: Meet Them Where They Are

If I tell you something without making sure you got it, did I really communicate anything? Was I talking to you, or was I just making noises?

Starting point matters. Effective communication begins by understanding the audience's existing knowledge and emotional state. The author's attempt to explain the Higgs boson, only to be asked, "What's a particle?", highlighted the error of starting "too far in." Communicators must gauge what listeners already know, how deep to go, and what they are eager to learn, avoiding the "crushing sense of hopelessness" that comes from being overwhelmed.

Beyond facts. Sometimes, an audience needs presence more than knowledge. A medical student, after improv training, connected with a dying patient by simplifying language and offering emotional support, leading to genuine understanding and shared tears. This demonstrated that the communicator is responsible for leading the listener from one state of thinking to another, adapting the message to the recipient's vulnerability and capacity to hear.

Leadership and empathy. This principle extends to leadership. Bill Gates and Warren Buffett emphasize the importance of emotional intelligence (EQ) alongside IQ. Leaders who are perceived as empathic by their subordinates are rated as better performers by their bosses, fostering better results and motivation. This isn't about faking praise but genuinely understanding and enlisting others in their best efforts, following the "Yes And" principle of accepting and building upon what others offer.

5. Emotion Makes Communication Memorable

We remember things that are tied to an emotion. Any emotion, even embarrassment.

The power of feeling. Memory researcher Jim McGaugh demonstrated that events associated with strong emotions—joy, shame, disgust, or even embarrassment—are far more likely to be remembered. This evolutionary advantage ensures we recall crucial experiences, whether positive (like a superb meal) or negative (like a bad review). Emotion acts as a powerful "amplifier" for memory, making information stick.

Stress and memory. Larry Cahill's research showed that even a bit of stress, like plunging an arm into ice water, can enhance memory consolidation. While extreme stress isn't necessary for storytelling, moving from "not very emotional to just slightly emotional" can significantly improve recall. Laughter, in particular, is a "secret weapon" in teaching and communication:

• It disarms people
• Puts everyone in the same "tribe"
• Lowers guards, allowing information to "slip in"

The "Hallelujah Chorus" moment. Scientists like Lorna Role vividly recall moments of profound discovery, such as the first single-channel recording of a receptor opening and closing, describing it as "Hallelujah Chorus' stuff." This intense emotional connection to their work, when shared, helps laypeople understand the excitement of science. Infusing communication with genuine emotion, even subtle touches, transforms a dry recital of facts into an engaging, memorable experience.

6. Story: The Brain's Natural Language

“The vast majority of everything we do goes on outside of our consciousness…this interpretation, the storytelling, is fundamental to how we express ourselves to others and how we integrate others to our space.”

The interpreter. Don Hewitt, creator of 60 Minutes, always demanded "Tell me a story," recognizing its power to engage audiences. Neuroscientists like Mike Gazzaniga describe a "left-brain interpreter" that constantly constructs narratives to make sense of our experiences, even when information is fragmented. Antonio Damasio calls stories "a fundamental way in which the brain organizes information in a practical and memorable manner."

Brain coupling. Uri Hasson's fMRI research shows that when someone tells a story, the storyteller's and listener's brains become "coupled," activating similar areas. The listener's brain essentially "watches the movie" as they hear the story, making information transfer more effective. This suggests that storytelling is not just an analogy but a literal mechanism for brain alignment and understanding.

Dramatic action. A compelling story, as Aristotle noted, needs a beginning, a middle, and an end, but crucially, the middle must involve "dramatic action." This means a hero with a goal encountering obstacles, creating tension and suspense. The author's "water glass" exercise vividly demonstrates this: carrying an empty glass is unengaging, but carrying a full one with the threat of a "village dying" rivets attention. This struggle, whether in a play, a scientific experiment, or a business venture, makes the narrative engaging and memorable.

7. Commonality Builds Bridges to Understanding

“The more commonalities you have with the speaker,” he told me, “the better the understanding.”

Shared ground. Neuroscientist Uri Hasson emphasizes that commonality between storyteller and listener is crucial for brain synchronization and understanding. This includes shared education, geography, upbringing, and culture. The speaker leverages the listener's existing knowledge to construct new meaning, making the information more accessible and relatable.

Perceived similarity. Hunter Gehlbach's study with ninth-grade students and teachers showed that when teachers perceived just five points of commonality with students, they felt a better relationship, and those students, randomly selected, earned higher grades. This suggests that an awareness of shared traits, even small ones, can significantly impact learning and connection. Harvard MRI studies further support this, showing people are better at reading others' minds when they perceive similarity.

The Christmas truce. The 1914 Christmas truce during World War I is a powerful example of commonality's impact. Despite months of fighting, British and German soldiers, reminded of their shared Anglo-Saxon heritage and cultural similarities (singing carols), spontaneously ceased hostilities, exchanged gifts, and even played soccer. This profound connection, however temporary, demonstrated that shared humanity can override extreme conflict, highlighting its potential in everyday communication.

8. Beware the "Curse of Knowledge" and Jargon

The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.

The seductive aroma of jargon. Jargon, while efficient for insiders, becomes an intoxicating "private language" that can alienate outsiders. The "Ike Antkare" experiment, where a computer-generated nonsense paper was cited more than Albert Einstein, exposed how easily unintelligible jargon can be mistaken for profound knowledge, even in peer-reviewed science. This "fake unintelligibility" highlights the danger of assuming shared understanding.

The illusion of communication. The "Curse of Knowledge" describes the difficulty experts have in imagining what it's like not to know what they know. This leads them to use specialized terms or skip foundational explanations, creating an "illusion that communication has taken place." Examples include IT security experts failing to explain risks to a board in business terms, or manufacturers designing packaging that customers can't open.

Defining jargon. While jargon can save time and reduce errors among those who share its precise meaning (e.g., film set terms like "gobo" or "Martini Shot"), it becomes a "verbal roadblock" when speaking to those outside the field. The responsibility lies with the communicator to translate or avoid jargon, ensuring the message is understood, not just spoken. Too much information, especially technical details, can be a serious roadblock, leading to confusion and disengagement.

9. Empathy's Dual Nature: A Tool for Good or Ill

Tuning in to another person’s thoughts and feelings is not necessarily a path to good behavior. There’s a dark side to empathy.

A neutral tool. Empathy, while crucial for connection, is not inherently good or bad; it is a tool. Just as a hammer can build a house or commit murder, empathy can be used for caring or for manipulation. Bernard Hopkins, the boxer, used empathy to anticipate and defeat opponents' strategies, not to sympathize with them. Bullies instinctively use their understanding of others' vulnerabilities to inflict harm.

Misuse of empathy. Historical examples illustrate empathy's dark side:

• Al Bandura's experiment (1975): Students delivered higher electric shocks to those they heard referred to as "animals," showing how dehumanizing language can enable cruelty.
• Guantanamo Bay: Psychologists reportedly used theories of "learned helplessness" to devise interrogation techniques, exploiting detainees' emotional states.
• Merck and Vioxx: Sales training intentionally used empathy and trust-building techniques (e.g., mirroring body language, specific handshakes) to sell a drug later found to be unsafe, prioritizing profit over patient well-being.

Beyond a cure-all. Psychologist Paul Bloom argues that empathy, while a "spark of fellow feeling," doesn't always lead to moral behavior or altruistic public policies. It often biases us towards individuals we know or a single victim ("baby-in-the-well" phenomenon) rather than faceless multitudes. While empathy alone can't fix everything, it remains an essential tool for communication, helping us make vital connections that lead to understanding, even if reason must ultimately guide action.

10. Cultivating Empathy: Practice Makes Perfect

The more sharply attentive we are, the more keenly we will sense another person’s inner state.

Solitary exercises. The author's self-experiments, like silently labeling strangers' emotions, suggested that active attention could increase empathy. Matt Lerner's study confirmed this: participants who actively noted others' emotions or even just their hair color showed improved subjective emotional connection and faster social perception. The more they practiced, the better they became, demonstrating a "dose response relationship."

Diverse methods. Various techniques can enhance empathy:

• "Reading the Mind in the Eyes" test: Developed by Simon Baron-Cohen, this test measures the ability to infer emotions from subtle eye expressions.
• Meditation: Studies show meditation training can improve scores on empathy tests and activate brain regions linked to empathy.
• Eye gaze: Sustained eye contact, even with pets, can increase oxytocin levels, fostering bonding and trust.
• Observing nonverbal cues: Watching TV dramas with the volume down to interpret characters' emotions.
• Reading literary fiction: Engaging with complex characters' inner lives can improve Theory of Mind.

Experience over tips. While tips can be useful (e.g., the "Three Rules of Three" for presentations), true transformation comes from experience. Improvisation, in particular, allows communication skills to become "second nature" rather than forced or mechanical. As Evonne Kaplan-Liss, a doctor and former patient, emphasizes, "Don't just hear about; do it—and get transformed." This hands-on approach, whether in workshops or solitary practice, builds the deep awareness necessary for genuine connection.

Last updated: January 13, 2026