Key Takeaways
1. The "Good Woman" Trap: Unmasking Cultural Programming
I think you are trying to live up to some sort of saintly ideal, yes. But I think it’s deeper, that if you feel like you’re good enough, you’ll be safe from judgment, loved.
Suffocating expectations. Many women, regardless of background, feel a pervasive anxiety and a constant need to be "good enough" – perfect in every role, tireless, modest, and selfless. This relentless pursuit of an unattainable ideal leads to burnout and a feeling of being "buried alive," as if something is constantly pressing on one's chest. This internal pressure is a direct result of deep-seated cultural programming.
The sticky web. This programming, often invisible, dictates what's appropriate for women to want and do, creating a "second nature" that overrides our authentic "first nature." The author's personal journey, triggered by a month of hyperventilation, revealed how these societal constructs, particularly the Seven Deadly Sins, act as gossamer threads, tying women up and pulling them along like marionettes.
- First nature: Unique genetic design and natural instincts.
- Second nature: Society's shaping of beliefs about who we are.
Sins as control mechanisms. The Seven Deadly Sins, though not explicitly in the Bible, have permeated culture as a moral code, influencing women to suppress natural instincts. They are subjective and easily weaponized, making "goodness" an external validation rather than an inherent state. This system has historically served to maintain power and control, compelling women to prove their virtue and worthiness, often at the cost of their true selves.
2. Patriarchy's Deep Roots: Devaluing the Feminine
Our biology does not decree that one sex shall rule over the other. What determines that sort of thing is tradition, culture.
A manufactured reality. The patriarchy, often perceived as an inevitable reality, is a relatively recent cultural construct, not a biological imperative. For most of human history, societies were partnership-based, revering women for their generative powers and focusing on collective survival. This changed with the advent of agriculture and subsequent invasions, leading to hierarchical cultures where women became the "first property" and were systematically subordinated.
Religious re-engineering. The emergence of monotheism, particularly Christianity, played a pivotal role in solidifying patriarchal norms. The goddess was demonized, and women were cast as instigators of sin (e.g., Eve and the apple). Early church fathers, ignoring Jesus's more egalitarian teachings, created a canon that ensured women's second-class status, destroying "heretical" gospels that offered a direct, personal connection to the divine.
- Hammurabi's Code (c. 1792–1750 B.C.): Laws disproportionately punished women for sexual transgressions.
- Genesis retelling: Replaced the goddess as creator, made woman the symbol of sin.
Witch hunts and fear. The Inquisition and subsequent witch hunts further cemented the demonization of women, targeting healers, prophets, and midwives. This terror campaign isolated women and instilled a deep-seated fear of female power and solidarity. This historical legacy continues to shape implicit rules about women's behavior, ensuring compliance and self-restriction, even today.
3. Reclaiming Rest: Beyond the Sin of Sloth
We are a cast of synchronized swimmers, our feet pedaling frantically beneath the surface, arms held high, teeth clenched beneath smiles plastered across our faces.
The relentless hustle. Women, especially mothers, are driven by an "invisible Taser" to constantly "do," equating effort with self-worth and productivity with value. This workaholism, fueled by the Protestant work ethic and capitalism's quantification of time, extends beyond paid labor into endless domestic and emotional tasks, leading to widespread burnout.
- "Time is money": Industrial Revolution linked time to monetary value, devaluing non-productive activities.
- Invisible labor: Women disproportionately manage household tasks, childcare logistics, and emotional labor.
The myth of maternal indispensability. Despite women entering the workforce out of economic necessity, society still expects mothers to be primary caregivers, leading to a "mommy tax" and immense guilt. This perpetuates maternal gatekeeping, where women micromanage care, inadvertently hindering men's involvement and reinforcing traditional gender roles.
- Nixon's veto (1971): Blocked national daycare, forcing women into a double bind.
- Gendered leisure gap: Men have significantly more leisure time than women.
The power of unfocus. Denying rest and stillness is a pernicious tactic of patriarchy, keeping women too overwhelmed to challenge systemic inequities. However, rest is crucial for accessing intuition and creativity, as demonstrated by scientific research on the unconscious mind. Reclaiming rest is not laziness but a vital act of self-preservation and empowerment, essential for women to lead societal rebalancing.
4. Envy as a Guide: Embracing Our True Desires
Follow your envy. It tells you what you want.
Misunderstood emotion. Envy, often conflated with jealousy, is typically seen as malicious and shameful, leading women to suppress it or disguise it as criticism of others. This cultural conditioning prevents self-exploration, as acknowledging envy means owning one's own "wanting," which is often deemed unacceptable for women.
- Jealousy: Fear of losing something to a third party.
- Envy: Wanting what someone else has, often accompanied by a desire for them not to have it.
The "all that" paradox. Girls and women who exhibit confidence and ambition are often condemned for "thinking they're all that," triggering reflexive judgment and a desire to "put them back in their cage." This policing, often by other women, stems from internalized patriarchal rules that demand modesty and self-abnegation, making it dangerous to express desire or stand out.
- Schadenfreude: Perverse joy in another's misfortune, often rooted in unacknowledged envy.
Expanders for possibility. Instead of being a source of shame, envy can be a powerful compass, pointing towards one's deepest desires and potential. The concept of "expanders" – individuals who have achieved what you want – reframes envy as inspiration, demonstrating that if "she has it, I can have it too." This shift from scarcity to abundance fosters a sisterhood of mutual support and collective growth, liberating women to voice and pursue their ambitions.
5. Healthy Pride: Celebrating Our Unique Gifts
Don’t mistake modesty for humility.
The likability trap. Women are conditioned to prioritize likability and humility, often at the expense of acknowledging their own talents and achievements. This stems from a patriarchal fear of female "hubris," where visible success or self-assertion is met with public censure and accusations of being "too much."
- Icarus parable: Warns against overreach; for women, this means not "flying too high."
- Confidence gap: Women are penalized for displaying confidence, unlike men who are rewarded for it.
The echoist's dilemma. Many women become "echoists," so afraid of appearing narcissistic that they suppress their pride and specialness, believing "the less room I take up, the better." This self-negation prevents full self-expression and the development of healthy self-esteem, which is crucial for recognizing and utilizing one's unique gifts.
- Narcissus and Echo: Represents the extremes of self-obsession and self-negation.
- Healthy narcissism: Recognizing one's gifts and feeling empowered to use them.
Humility as groundedness. True humility, derived from "humilitas" (of the earth), means being grounded in who you are and fulfilling your potential, not shrinking or hiding. Society needs women to embrace their unique talents and leadership, which often involves collaboration, listening, and modulating confidence—qualities that lead to better outcomes but are often undervalued in a male-centric system.
6. Body Autonomy: Beyond the Shame of Gluttony
Being thin does not address the emptiness that has no shape or weight or name. Even a wildly successful diet is a colossal failure because inside the new body is the same sinking heart.
The tyranny of thinness. Society's fat-phobia, disguised as concern for health, is a pervasive bias that equates thinness with moral goodness, discipline, and beauty. Women are subjected to constant judgment and pressure to control their bodies, leading to disordered eating and a lifelong battle against natural hunger and physical changes.
- "Thinterrogations": Subtle, judgmental comments about a fat person's food choices.
- Body dissatisfaction: Astronomical levels reported by women across all ages.
Gluttony's shifting definition. Historically, gluttony was defined broadly (eating "too daintily, too sumptuously, too hastily, too greedily, too much"), but today it's narrowly linked to obesity. This oversimplification ignores complex genetic and environmental factors influencing weight, blaming individuals for "poor choices" rather than systemic issues or biological diversity.
- Obesogenic chemicals: Environmental factors contributing to weight gain.
- Weight stigma: Drives weight gain and worse health outcomes.
Reconnecting to the body. The obsession with diets and external control distracts from the body's innate intelligence and emotional messages. Trauma, stress, and unexpressed emotions can manifest as disordered eating, a refusal to be fully present in one's body. Reclaiming body autonomy means listening to hunger, embracing body neutrality, and allowing the body to express itself without shame or constant battle.
7. Financial Security: Redefining Greed for Women
Women have shame when they make or have too little money, and shame when they have or make too much.
Ambivalence towards wealth. Women are culturally conditioned to be deeply ambivalent about money, viewing it as "gross, base, not spiritual." This leads to shame whether they have too little or too much, hindering their ability to pursue financial security and independence. Historically, women were denied financial autonomy, seen as property, and expected to consume rather than accumulate wealth.
The cost of reticence. This ingrained reluctance to talk about or negotiate for money significantly contributes to the gender wealth gap, which is far wider than the pay gap. Women are less likely to invest, often accepting initial job offers without negotiation, and are sometimes more stingy with other women, perpetuating a cycle of undervaluing female labor.
- Gender wealth gap: 32 cents on a man's dollar.
- "Patriotic duty to consume": Women are encouraged to spend to prop up the economy.
Sufficiency over scarcity. The patriarchal "toxic myth of scarcity" (not enough, more is better, that's just the way things are) traps women in a zero-sum mindset. Instead, women need to define "enough" for themselves, embrace the concept of money as a flowing, purifying energy, and prioritize financial literacy and self-determination. This shift is crucial for individual security and for rebalancing a global economy addicted to endless accrual.
8. Sexual Liberation: Reclaiming Lust and Pleasure
My fear of lust, my aversion to its call, has harmed and limited me, depriving me of my birthright to pleasure.
The sin of sexuality. Religion has historically condemned sex as immoral, with Saint Augustine linking Adam and Eve's "original sin" to lust, scapegoating women as temptresses. This has created a pervasive culture of slut-shaming, where women's sexual agency is demonized, and their pleasure is denied or suppressed.
- Double standards: Men are "studs" for sexual activity, women are "sluts."
- "American psychological cliterodectomy": Cultural erasure of female pleasure organs and desire.
Trauma and dissociation. Many women experience sexual trauma, leading to dissociation from their bodies and a belief that their desire is dangerous or shameful. This suppression of innate sensuality blocks vitality and prevents genuine pleasure. The lack of comprehensive sex education further exacerbates this, leaving girls without language or understanding of their own sexual needs and boundaries.
- Physical arousal vs. subjective desire: A wet vagina does not equal consent or pleasure.
- "Himpathy": Prioritizing men's feelings and reputations over female victims of sexual violence.
Reclaiming desire. Sexual liberation for women means understanding that pleasure is sacred, not sinful. It requires reclaiming one's body as a source of vitality, learning to identify and express desire, and setting clear boundaries. Fantasies, often misunderstood, can be maps to feeling safe enough to surrender to pleasure. This re-sacralization of the feminine is essential for individual well-being and for transforming societal power dynamics.
9. Righteous Indignation: Channeling Women's Anger
The direct expression of anger, especially at men, makes us unladylike, unfeminine, unmaternal, sexually unattractive, or, more recently, ‘strident.’
The muzzled woman. Women are culturally conditioned to suppress anger, as visible rage is deemed "unhinged," "unladylike," and unacceptable, especially when directed at men or those in power. This leads to internalized resentment, passive aggression, or a "slow and soft boil" that harms women's health and relationships.
- Gendered language: Terms like "shrew," "bitch," "nag" for angry women; no equivalent for men.
- Historical precedent: Women allowed to speak only as victims or to defend patriarchal interests.
Anger's true purpose. While often seen as destructive, anger is a vital internal alarm, signaling unmet needs and violated boundaries. When transmuted, it becomes "righteous indignation," a powerful force for social change and progress. However, women's anger is often dismissed or used to justify further oppression, as seen in the "Mama Grizzlies" phenomenon where women's rage is weaponized to uphold patriarchal systems.
Path to emotional liberation. To effectively channel anger, women must first acknowledge and process their own resentment, moving beyond blame to identify underlying needs. This requires developing emotional granularity and practicing assertive communication, even in the face of potential relationship loss. White women, in particular, must overcome self-consciousness and "goodness" traps to become effective allies, transforming their anger into action for collective equity.
10. Embracing Sadness: The Path to Emotional Wholeness
To love requires that you will lose. But it is our one human imperative to wager it all, constantly.
The excommunicated emotion. Sadness, once an "eight thought" for desert monks, was removed from the Seven Deadly Sins, creating a cultural void around its acceptance. This disavowal is particularly damaging for men, who perceive sadness as "womanly" and weak, leading to repression that manifests as covert depression, addiction, or destructive aggression.
Denial of death and grief. Society's relentless pursuit of happiness and control leads to a denial of death and the natural cycle of life. Grief, the essential cure for sadness, is given little cultural tolerance, with expectations to "get over it" quickly. This prevents genuine healing and resilience, as submission and surrender to loss are crucial for growth and durability.
- Kübler-Ross's stages: Often misinterpreted as a linear process to "get through" grief, rather than an oscillation.
- "Ambiguous loss": Unresolved grief from unacknowledged losses (e.g., miscarriage, divorce).
Emotional granularity for men. Men, often pushed away from emotional expression in childhood, outsource their feelings to women, leading to emotional numbness and a lack of empathy. Cultivating emotional granularity in boys and men is critical for their well-being and for societal health, as unacknowledged distress fuels violence and societal dysfunction. Embracing sadness allows men to access tenderness, love, and a fuller expression of self.
11. Internal Compass: Rejecting External Moral Codes
Do not lay down any rules beyond what I determined for you, nor give a law like the lawgiver, lest you be confined by it.
Sovereignty within. The "sins," originally "powers" or "climates" in the Gospel of Mary, were never meant to be external moral laws but internal guideposts for self-reconciliation. Christ's teaching in Mary's gospel emphasizes innate goodness and a direct connection to the Divine within, urging individuals to trust their inner knowing rather than conforming to external authorities or man-made rules.
- Gospel of Mary: Deemed "heretical," it offers a radical revisioning of Christianity, asserting innate goodness.
- "No sin, but it is you who make sin": Sin is a deviation from one's true root, not an indictment from God.
Beyond simplistic morality. The original "seven forms" of Wrath in Mary's gospel (Darkness, Desire, Ignorance, Eagerness for Death, Realm of Flesh, Foolish Wisdom of the Flesh, Wrathful Wisdom) offer a more nuanced understanding of human challenges than the simplified Deadly Sins. They describe internal journeys and areas where we lose our way, inviting introspection rather than condemnation.
- Foolish Wisdom: Condescension from thinking we know what's right for others.
- Ignorance: Willful desire not to know, avoidance of truth.
Reclaiming self-definition. True freedom and self-definition come from stripping away layers of cultural programming and trusting one's internal compass. This requires a profound vulnerability and faith in one's sovereignty, allowing for self-credit, pleasure, security, assertion of needs, rest, and desire. This internal alignment is the foundation for healing and evolving, both individually and collectively.
12. Balanced Interdependence: A New Paradigm for Humanity
From wholeness comes freedom.
Beyond binaries. The future demands a shift from patriarchal or matriarchal dominance to an "androgynous" paradigm of balanced interdependence. This means transcending rigid gender roles and embracing both Divine Masculine (truth, order, direction) and Divine Feminine (creativity, nurturance, care) energies within each individual and in society.
- Cherokee prophecy: Humanity as a bird with two wings (male and female) needing to unfurl equally for true flight.
- Trans movement: Reflects a deep cultural desire to move beyond binaries to a spectrum of identity.
Healing through balance. Our current addiction to power, dominance, and unrestrained consumption has created a toxic, unsustainable world. Rebalancing requires acknowledging that some parts of us, and our systems, must "die" to make way for something truer. This involves a collective "withdrawal" from harmful patterns and a commitment to new models of being, built on sharing, equity, and community.
Resacralizing the feminine. The subjugation of the feminine, from the goddess to Mary Magdalene and Mother Earth, has led to a profound imbalance. Reconciling masculine and feminine energies is not about women becoming "more like men" but about both genders embracing their full emotional and creative capacities. This allows for a more loving, interdependent future where individual gifts serve the collective, and peace emerges from a place of grace and understanding.
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